So you finally at looked at yourself wearing your stretched out size XXL triathlon t-shirt in a mirror and realized that you are fat. Or maybe your went for a flight with me in the Extra or the Pitts and I did a outside loop and all you saw the entire loop was your fat muffin top stretched over your eyes. Oh wait, I don't take fatties up for acro because you don't fit in the fucking airplane. My bad.
So this purple triathlon t shirt you wear at the gym as a medal of honor looks like a pastry bag stuffed with butter cream frosting that has been squeezed in the middle like a kid squeezing a toothpaste tube. Yet, since you did this benefit triathlon in 11 hours you wear it like the filthy stained security blanket you had when you were a fat kid eating lard biscuits with gravy 37 years ago.
But this blinding realization that you are fat, catalyzed by my laughing as you sat there weezing in the ab-crunch machine (hogging it for 30 minutes at a time from the other fat slobs while you squeeze out 3 sets of 15, on 10 pounds resistance, with 5 minute breaks in between; luckily non-fatties do real exercises and weren't inconvenienced by your blubbery sweating mass), has finally clued you in that you need help.
First, there is nothing wrong with anorexia. It's only bad if you die. Let's avoid the causation/correlation debate for now. Bulemia is OK in moderation, but the main side effect is bad teeth/breath. Use it sparingly and no problemo. Face it, skinny girls are hawt. Second, exercise is only a way to increase your strength/stamina,; not losing weight. Ask those Ethiopians; diet is the primary way to not be a fatass.
So, what kind of self-improvement blog post needs a 3 paragraph introduction? Let me introduce the concept of cutting! While going under the knife can be a catalyst in extreme situations, most fatties need merely a calorie deficit. Cutting (as in cutting bodyfat) is quite simple. Burn and shit more calories than you eat. You don't need a awesome diet for this. As a fatass 37 year old woman not exercising (dnf-ing does not mean you can eat a post race buffet), your
base metabolic rate is about 1600 calories a day. Your problem is that you eat a fucking GU gel every 10 minutes in your bike ride/run and consumed twice the 2000 calories you burned during your iron-girl "triathlon." That means if you would've stayed hydrated with water (instead of your diet coke), your net fat gain during your fat shaking expedition was .57 pounds. You consumed 2000 more calories than you needed, and each pound of fat on your sickening hail-damaged ass is worth 3500 calories.
How you manage to stay a size 12 while exercising as much as you do (or lie about doing) is a fucking unbelievable testament to how cottage cheese-like your ass is.
So mister pilot, how can I have rock hard abs and glutes like you?
Cutting. Plain and simple. Put fewer calories into your gaping maul than your BMR. Fuck exercising. BUT OMG, MY TRAINING!1! Fuck it. Lose weight you god damn fatty. How much weight did you save by getting that pink Cervélo? FUCK THAT. You'll lose 2 times the weight of your
entire fucking bike this off season. How do you think that will translate into speed and climbing ability next season?
When I go into cutting mode, (I cycle mass-building and bodyfat cutting just for fun), I run a 500 calorie deficit per day. That's a pound a week. Your fat ass needs to lose 30 pounds in 4 months. That's a 105,000 calories worth of fat in 120 days (There is no FAT GENE, but there is a STUPID GENE). OMG, that's a whopping 875 calorie per day deficit.
So let's recap: (drop the twinkie now).
Eat a 875 less calories than you expend during the day. It's not that you are starving your fat ass, the difference will just come from stored fat. If you are in a training regimen right now, figure out how many calories that is worth, add it to your BMR and subract the
So right now, your fat ass is training and continually gaining weight because you are eating 5000 calories a day and you burn 4000, then you need to only eat 3125 calories a day.
Keep swimming, biking, and running, just stop eating all that fucking GU gel, shot blocks, and drive-by burgers that your body _doesn't_ need while you are exercising because you have enough
STORED FAT at 3500 calories per pound to burn instead.
It isn't fucking hard. Enjoy the pain, whether it is from exercising or from a [more nearly] empty stomach.
- Eat five tiny (no more than 500 calorie) meals a day (assuming you actually exercise and need that many calories)
- Plus protein shakes (8 oz skim milk, 1 scoop chocolate protein powder, 4 oz ice, 1 ripe banana) as snacks to prevent catabolic muscle loss,
- Do a 30 minutes light cardio when you wake up and glycogen are lowest to burn a little extra fat easier
- Don't eat cake, fried foods, or other stupid shit for your 500 calorie meals (ever heard of lowfat cottage cheese and pineapple?)
- Some fat in the diet is ok, just no bad fats, we want you to look good, and not have dry skin. Use good sources of carbs and proteins
- Take a few supplements like a multivitamin and Omega 3 Fatty Acids
- Drink at least 3 liters of water a day and no sodas or sports drinks
- NO DIET COKE YOU FATTIE!!!
Now, I hate that I had to write such a long post just to convey a 500 calorie deficit, but obviously your fatness makes it hard to penetrate into your brain.
You can come out of hiding and start a normal training routine when you get down to 15% body fat for the womens.
Try a little cocaine... I hear it helps
What do you mean size two??? THAT's TWO SIZES TO BIG!!! I know I only fly out to see you a few times a year, but what the fuck happened? You don't have to let yourself go! Dammit you fattie, lose 10 pounds and call me back when these size PXS crotchless panties fit you again. And do you know how hard it is to find a vinyl bra in size 28AA?
(first draft of the October 2007 cover)
(original undoctored photo)
First, I have to break these grotesque fatties down mentally so they realize that they are fat.
Third, after the laxatives have
"No no, call me in _two_ weeks "
just catch my breath at that moment.
Did you know that one side effect of sexiness (some call it anorexia, but lets not split hairs), is loss of your period?
What is sexy?
least 3 inches between your thighs while standing with your feet together. That's the courtesy gap, and that's what matters. I don't want to see the outlines of your abs, that's too masculine. I want to see bones, not muscle.
How you manage to stay a size 12 while exercising as much as you do (or lie about doing) is a fucking unbelievable testament to how cottage cheese-like your ass is.
So let's recap: (drop the twinkie now). Eat a 875 less calories than you expend during the day. It's not that you are starving your fat ass, the difference will just come from stored fat. If you are in a training regimen right now, figure out how many calories that is worth, add it to your BMR and subract the
1. The side of my pussy-magnet equipped jet
to bulk up while keeping bodyfat below 5% - it's better to cycle bulking and cutting alternately).
