Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Happy fucking new year

My new year's resolutions:
  1. Treat women I don't know more like shit
  2. Treat women I do know more like shit
  3. Treat average looking women more like i treat fatties
  4. Tell at least 10 women per day to lose weight
  5. Of the women I tell to lose weight, my quota will be at least 100 pounds (sum total)
  6. Make at least 3 fat women cry per day

Your fat friends

You could lose a lot more weight if your fat friends weren't holding you back... You know that shit is highly contagious, right?

Make sure you tell them you can't hang out with them because they are fat. Otherwise they might just think that you aren't a lesbian anymore.

Monday, December 29, 2008

Still looking for your courtesy gap?


Having trouble finding your courtesy gap?

Try a little cocaine... I hear it helps

From the looks of pictures that have been emailed to me, there seems to be a bit of confusion in how the courtesy gap is determined. Here is the official Push 10 G's Guide to Courtesy Gap Inspection:
  1. A properly formed courtesy gap will measure 3 inches from thigh to thigh, measured 1 inch below the lowest point of the camel toe.
  2. The courtesy gap is measured with the woman standing vertical, with her heels and the balls of her feet both touching
  3. A false courtesy gap may be formed when a woman leans forward, as though to be entered from behind or to self-inspect while leaning over (suggestion: use a full length mirror).
  4. You should determine the actual size of your gap with a trained partner, not be leaning over to measure it yourself, to ensure accurate measurements.
  5. If you wear greater than size zero skinny jeans you are too fat to have a courtesy gap. I suggest losing ten pounds and then remeasuring. Repeat this process every two weeks until you have proper courtesy gap.

Thursday, December 25, 2008

I went christmas shopping for you...

Merry Christmas baby... I went to Victoria's Secret to buy you some lingerie, but they didn't have anything smaller than a size zero. It took a while but I finally found something that I thought would look good on you! It's a size PXS, so hopefully it's small enough for you.

What do you mean size two??? THAT's TWO SIZES TO BIG!!! I know I only fly out to see you a few times a year, but what the fuck happened? You don't have to let yourself go! Dammit you fattie, lose 10 pounds and call me back when these size PXS crotchless panties fit you again. And do you know how hard it is to find a vinyl bra in size 28AA?

Well fuck. I hope i can get a flight out of here on christmas day. Keep crying, it will help you lose some water weight.

Sunday, December 21, 2008

More coverage on GIHUGIC breaking news...

A secret source at Runner's World magazine has sent me a copy of the original undoctored cover proof featuring a Fat Triathlete that was featured on their cover in the October 2007 issue.

(first draft of the October 2007 cover)

It is easily ascertained from the wide hips, enormous thighs, and godzilla cankles that this is in fact a real triathlete; not the doctored version that ran actual print issue. Don't be fooled by the media; fatties have very effectively infested the triathlon world and are considered immune to weight loss even under such demanding circumstances.

If you see a fat triathlete in the streets, try to avoid contact. Fattyness spreads by contact and is highly contagous. Do not share bottles with fat triathletes as indirect contact with a fat triathlete is the second leading cause of obesity in our country.

Saturday, December 20, 2008

Breaking News

My skinny friends at TriFAThlete have uncovered a story that has the blogging world trembling, and I am in possession of more shocking evidence that I must share with the world. Evidence that threatens to destroy the fabricated notions of these triathletes who are exalted by other triathlon websites...

(original undoctored photo)

Don't let photoshopped photos of "skinny" female triathletes fool you! No such skinny triathletes have ever existed! Even the so-called pro's are packing bodyfat percentages that would make a holstein blush.

More to come!!! Stay tuned!

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Too skinny? Bullshit

Here are pictures of women who are not too skinny. In fact they could all stand to lose quite a bit more weight... How is it that the news media has attempted to manipulate women into thinking that being skinny is unhealthy (as opposed to the much more righteous fashion industry)?





Love Handles?
For fucks sake let's
act like a professional





Lose another two pounds
and I won't divorce you

.






I can see the flab on your arms
from here! Get rid of the fat
flaps and I might let you live





Lose another 2 inches off of
your waist and give me a call







Could you please lose some
fucking weight so you don't
rip your dress every
time you bend over?






F
FA
FAT
FATTIE
HAS FAT THIGHS






WHY CAN'T ALL YOU HIDEOUS BITCHES STOP BEING FAT?

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

bonus joke day

Q: What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?
A: Nothing. You told her twice already.

Q: What is the first thing a woman should do after getting out of the hospital for domestic violence?
A: The dishes, if she knows what's good for her.

Q: What do 20,000 battered women have in common?
A: They don't know how to fuckin' listen.

Q: How does Bush know when Cheney is having a good day?
A: His penis tastes of the blood of minority children.


Monday, December 15, 2008

Her vazhïn hang like sleeve of wizard's robe

Let's total up how much weight you could stand to lose off of your DuraAce 7800 equipped bike.

SRAM Red: 265 grams
Cost $2000
$3426 per pound

DuraAce 7900: 135 Grams
Cost $2300
$7734 per pound

Campy Super Record: 235 grams
Cost $3100
$5988 per pound

Labiaplasty : 3 pounds of your hideous roast beef meat curtains shaved off
Cost $3000
$1000 per pound and a better looking courtesy gap

Stop being a GU guzzling fat-ass and get down to below 14% body fat: 23 pounds saved
Cost $-800
($35) per pound

Just think, you are making money by losing weight! You'll save over 800 dollars if you lay off all the fucking GU gels and lose all that grotesque body fat that bulges out of your cycling shorts

The money saved by losing all this weight will pay for a quarter of the cost of your labia reduction surgery! Then you won't have to bitch about how your vazhïn swells up and looks like a rose made out roast beef that smells like a dumpster full of rotting fish every time you DNF the ride because your fatt ass can't climb florida hills.

The benefits are endless!!! And if you call now, I throw in an added bonus! If you shave all the hair between your vazhïn and your asshole you'll lose another pound instantly! Thats an $800 dollar value just for being a hideous wildebeast!!!MEAT CURTAINS

How could you possibly want to buy a lighter components when all you have to do is shave off a pound of matted pubes, stop sucking GU gels like a coke whore earning her living, and indulge in a little self-beautification surgery? And here's a another free bonus, not only will you look better, but you won't make that flapping noise when you are pissing.

How great is that?

Sunday, December 14, 2008

Hello again Chris Hansen


What's better than fucking a skinny 16 year old?

Nothing.


Cougars come pretty close though.

Thursday, December 11, 2008

It's sing-along-time with uncle pilot!




Fat Girls Talkin Bout Cardio - How I Became The Bomb

Fat girls
talkin' 'bout cardio
Oh Oh
Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh

Fat girls
talkin' 'bout cardio
Oh Oh
Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh

They don't
they don't even know
Oh Oh
Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh

They don't
they don't even know
Oh Oh
Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh

She's lookin' for a new relation
sick of all the self stimulation
she's gotta alotta insulation
butt the size of a third world nation

She's lookin' for a new relation
sick of all the self stimulation
she's gotta alotta insulation
butt the size of a third world nation

These girls
they don't know what to do
these girls
they don't know what to do

Fat girls
talkin' 'bout cardio
Oh Oh
Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Fun with skinny women



You look like the fun loving type... would you like to play carnival?

You sit on my face and I'll guess how much you weigh.

After that we'll play coin toss, head i get tail and tails i get head

Thursday, December 4, 2008

My Master Cleanse testimonial



Let me share my master cleanse testimonial with you. I live in a world full of fat flight attendants and even fatter triathletes. Sometimes I wonder how I can go on living in such a world of fat and blubberous women. It's hard. Sometimes it's even harder.

I learned to cope with this cruel world using my own variation of the colon cleansing technique:

How is a woman like a laxative? They both irritate the crap out of you.First, I have to break these grotesque fatties down mentally so they realize that they are fat.

Second, I berate these fat and hideous women to stop eating and take laxatives to make them look sexy.

"Take a handful of laxatives every 6 hours each day and call me in a week"


c'mon fatty, just 5 more pounds to loseThird, after the laxatives have
taken effect, I allow them to only
drink water with lemon juice
and cayene pepper in it.

"Cheer up, you'll be sexy in no time"




Oh YEAH!!! Squeeze out another pound! "No no, call me in _two_ weeks "

Finally, when they are cleansed of all the vile and hideously ugly fat cells I ensure they are completely adapted to their new lifelong routine of vomiting (I like to call it "purging") after every meal and popping laxitives like candy to take care of anything that got past the stomach before they made it to the bathroom to purge.


So the master cleanse technique has worked wonders for me!!! I now find myself surrounded by hordes of skinny women looking for my approval. What more could a man ask for?



Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Was it the 11th commandment?



Could someone please tell me where is the rule that women have to get their hair cut off at age 40?

Long hair on mature women is such a turn on? Why cut it off?



Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Bitch please... shut up

Women love to give me grief. I call it Post-coitus open-mouth syndrome. It generally starts off with her fingers tracing the outline of my 8 pack abs, or just running 4 fingers from my pecs to my CG's; followed by a compliment about how sexy I am. Great. Lots of pictures have been taken of my abs and their raw sexual masculinity is well documented, but thanks for stroking my ego.

I'm certainly willing to return the favor, and provide an equally gracious and heartfelt compliment about your appearance. I know a lot of superlatives for sexy, intelligent, and pleasurable; and how to use them in an heartfelt way, though I usually would rather fall asleep or just catch my breath at that moment.

Why the fuck can't women leave it at that? I do not want to have an entire damn conversation about commitment, love, how fat you are (or feel) and what-ifs every fucking time we have sex.

Ladies please, take the hint: shut the fuck up after our mutual orgasms and just let the moment linger. I worked my ass off for 45 minutes to get you off; I do not want to play twenty questions now. Seriously. Or you try doing all the fucking work for once without screwing it up, and see if you want to "open up" when we're done.

So you think I'm sexier than you? great? Shut the hell up about it. I don't want to hear it, and if you aren't going to believe what I tell you, don't ask the damn question!

Monday, December 1, 2008

Critique my position


OMG Where is the fucking eye bleach?



Lose 30 pounds and then I might tell you to switch to an injection molded dildo saddle replica of my cock* and OH MY GOD ARE THOSE CANKLES? Those are some awfully chubby cheeks you have! Is that why there are no acorns in the northeast this year? I bet it's even harder to pronounce your R's and G's with those things.


*for sale soon in right and left handed models.

Props to TriFAThlete for the inspiration. Click the image for full size pic.

Friday, November 28, 2008

Pop Quiz



Which one of these women is Fat?


It's a trick question, you were fat when you did your Iron Girl triathlon and when you did your 70.3

Lose 15 more pounds then give me a call.





Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Sprint, 70.3, Iron, Ultra? Fuck that. How about a magnum triathlon?


What do you call oral, vaginal, and anal... all in under an hour?


Normally I just call it "Friday Night" but we'll rename it the "Magnum Triathlon"

Perhaps we'll call the it the
First Annual IronWhore Magnum Triathlon Presented by Trojan
in honor of the sexiest triathlete alive.

6 feet of bones and fucking

Did you know that one side effect of sexiness (some call it anorexia, but lets not split hairs), is loss of your period?

Another side effect is a vast number of chumps telling you how great you look 24 hours a day.

When you lose 5 more pounds you should call me.


And why do women take those sugar pills again?


Monday, November 24, 2008

Quantity counts for something


What's the best thing about fucking twenty-six year olds?

There's twenty of them.

Saturday, November 22, 2008

Mind the Gap

What is sexy?

Let me tell you what is sexy... skinny.

Tell me what's wrong with the girl on the left?


Small love handles and her courtesy gap could stand to be just a little wider.


You can look like a coke whore or a world-class runner, as long as there is at least 3 inches between your thighs while standing with your feet together. That's the courtesy gap, and that's what matters. I don't want to see the outlines of your abs, that's too masculine. I want to see bones, not muscle.


The example to the right illustrates a very well formed courtesy gap

So you ask: Mr. Pilot, what should i do in order to have a chance with you?
Lose weight you fattie. Then go read my new book
Ten Things to do to Your Man that aren’t Lay There Like a Futon and try being something other than a fattass in all your daily activies, including sex (or as you know it, "laying there jiggling and moaning").

Hey Look, it's a new triathlete!

Hey fatties, yes you do look fat in your wetsuit! It's not the wetsuit's fault, it the ginormous mounds of fat you squeezed into it, you fat ass. Try again when you aren't so fucking fat.



It's not the wetsuit that makes you look fat, it's your fat that makes you look fat

Thin people have sex 5 times more often

Friday, November 21, 2008

I am not a bigot.


Women don't believe I'm not a boob man. They really think that since I look into their eyes and face while they are talking that must not be interested in them only for their body.

They couldn't be more wrong. I'm not turned on by tig bitties, so I don't stare at them. Women are so thrown off by this, they just let their guard down. Easy pickings.

You ladies keep asking me why I don't take your bra off during sex. If I'm polite I'll just say that I'm not a boob man. If you keep pushing it I'll tell you that I took a peek at your pancake sized nipples and wasn't interested. Why can't women learn to stop asking questions that they really don't want the answers to?

So, when I say I like low bodyfat and skinny is sexy, I friggin' mean it. No exceptions, not even for boobs. (and fake ones piss me off, but those are the girls that like to be spanked and degraded, so I cut them slack in the beginning because I know I will take it out on them later)

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

and their hair falls out when you pull on it


What's the worst thing about eating a vegetable?


Getting her back in the wheelchair.

Friday, November 14, 2008

Introductions

Oh my god, you look so familiar! Did I sleep with you last week?

what!

Did we have sex? You look very familiar. And I was kinda drunk, but I'm pretty sure it’s you.

Uh, I don’t think so

I think we had sex last week. I am so sorry I didn’t call you, I really meant to, but my phone isn’t working, I had a flat tire, and my dog ate my homework, and I really meant to call you. I wanted to tell you how good you were!

(puzzled look)

And I want you to tell your friend that she was really good too! Is she here with you again tonight?

(fuck me eyes)


It's all in the smile and eyes; it really doesn't matter what comes out of your mouth! Hahaha. Women say that they don't fall for pickup lines... they just don't know when they do. You have to be smarter than your prey folks!

Thursday, November 13, 2008

Misogyny is my middle name

Serving my glorious country as an airline pilot gives me plenty of time to pontificate on how happy i am to have testicles. I really enjoy walking through the world's busiest airports and winking at the beautiful women who want to throw themselves at me, vagina first. It does wonders for my ego.

I think there are just as many women in this world as men who just want to get fucked, no strings attached. You know, that's great. Good for them, I'm glad that women have the right to do it. Just not the fattie mcfatfucks. Why can't their labia be as sticky as their fat fingers (from the 12 damn packs of GU gels they ate during their Iron Girl 5K) so perhaps it would seal itself shut and protect the rest of us from their viral fat infection.

And for fuck's sake, If you are the first woman to cross the finish line at a respectable event, isn't it demeaning to have to announcer say that you are followed by "some male age grouper." Hahaha. Stop rolling across the line as slowly as possible so he doesn't have to stand behind you waiting so awkwardly. The first woman to cross the finish line is the first female loser. It's not about finishing. Second place is the first loser.

And ladies, in the event of a water landing, my body can be used as a flotation device... but only in salt water. I sink like a brick in fresh water. I can hold my breath for about 3 minutes however...and probably longer if i wanted to.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

I have to take the canopy off for outside loops

Pushing 10's Self-Improvement Guide

So you finally at looked at yourself wearing your stretched out size XXL triathlon t-shirt in a mirror and realized that you are fat. Or maybe your went for a flight with me in the Extra or the Pitts and I did a outside loop and all you saw the entire loop was your fat muffin top stretched over your eyes. Oh wait, I don't take fatties up for acro because you don't fit in the fucking airplane. My bad.

So this purple triathlon t shirt you wear at the gym as a medal of honor looks like a pastry bag stuffed with butter cream frosting that has been squeezed in the middle like a kid squeezing a toothpaste tube. Yet, since you did this benefit triathlon in 11 hours you wear it like the filthy stained security blanket you had when you were a fat kid eating lard biscuits with gravy 37 years ago.

But this blinding realization that you are fat, catalyzed by my laughing as you sat there weezing in the ab-crunch machine (hogging it for 30 minutes at a time from the other fat slobs while you squeeze out 3 sets of 15, on 10 pounds resistance, with 5 minute breaks in between; luckily non-fatties do real exercises and weren't inconvenienced by your blubbery sweating mass), has finally clued you in that you need help.

First, there is nothing wrong with anorexia. It's only bad if you die. Let's avoid the causation/correlation debate for now. Bulemia is OK in moderation, but the main side effect is bad teeth/breath. Use it sparingly and no problemo. Face it, skinny girls are hawt. Second, exercise is only a way to increase your strength/stamina,; not losing weight. Ask those Ethiopians; diet is the primary way to not be a fatass.at least these are skinny arms

So, what kind of self-improvement blog post needs a 3 paragraph introduction? Let me introduce the concept of cutting! While going under the knife can be a catalyst in extreme situations, most fatties need merely a calorie deficit. Cutting (as in cutting bodyfat) is quite simple. Burn and shit more calories than you eat. You don't need a awesome diet for this. As a fatass 37 year old woman not exercising (dnf-ing does not mean you can eat a post race buffet), your base metabolic rate is about 1600 calories a day. Your problem is that you eat a fucking GU gel every 10 minutes in your bike ride/run and consumed twice the 2000 calories you burned during your iron-girl "triathlon." That means if you would've stayed hydrated with water (instead of your diet coke), your net fat gain during your fat shaking expedition was .57 pounds. You consumed 2000 more calories than you needed, and each pound of fat on your sickening hail-damaged ass is worth 3500 calories.

You must be at least this skinny to competeHow you manage to stay a size 12 while exercising as much as you do (or lie about doing) is a fucking unbelievable testament to how cottage cheese-like your ass is.

So mister pilot, how can I have rock hard abs and glutes like you?

Cutting. Plain and simple. Put fewer calories into your gaping maul than your BMR. Fuck exercising. BUT OMG, MY TRAINING!1! Fuck it. Lose weight you god damn fatty. How much weight did you save by getting that pink Cervélo? FUCK THAT. You'll lose 2 times the weight of your entire fucking bike this off season. How do you think that will translate into speed and climbing ability next season?

When I go into cutting mode, (I cycle mass-building and bodyfat cutting just for fun), I run a 500 calorie deficit per day. That's a pound a week. Your fat ass needs to lose 30 pounds in 4 months. That's a 105,000 calories worth of fat in 120 days (There is no FAT GENE, but there is a STUPID GENE). OMG, that's a whopping 875 calorie per day deficit.
the GOD equationSo let's recap: (drop the twinkie now). Eat a 875 less calories than you expend during the day. It's not that you are starving your fat ass, the difference will just come from stored fat. If you are in a training regimen right now, figure out how many calories that is worth, add it to your BMR and subract the

So right now, your fat ass is training and continually gaining weight because you are eating 5000 calories a day and you burn 4000, then you need to only eat 3125 calories a day. Keep swimming, biking, and running, just stop eating all that fucking GU gel, shot blocks, and drive-by burgers that your body _doesn't_ need while you are exercising because you have enough STORED FAT at 3500 calories per pound to burn instead.

It isn't fucking hard. Enjoy the pain, whether it is from exercising or from a [more nearly] empty stomach.
  • Eat five tiny (no more than 500 calorie) meals a day (assuming you actually exercise and need that many calories)
  • Plus protein shakes (8 oz skim milk, 1 scoop chocolate protein powder, 4 oz ice, 1 ripe banana) as snacks to prevent catabolic muscle loss,
  • Do a 30 minutes light cardio when you wake up and glycogen are lowest to burn a little extra fat easier
  • Don't eat cake, fried foods, or other stupid shit for your 500 calorie meals (ever heard of lowfat cottage cheese and pineapple?)
  • Some fat in the diet is ok, just no bad fats, we want you to look good, and not have dry skin. Use good sources of carbs and proteins
  • Take a few supplements like a multivitamin and Omega 3 Fatty Acids
  • Drink at least 3 liters of water a day and no sodas or sports drinks
  • NO DIET COKE YOU FATTIE!!!
Now, I hate that I had to write such a long post just to convey a 500 calorie deficit, but obviously your fatness makes it hard to penetrate into your brain.

You can come out of hiding and start a normal training routine when you get down to 15% body fat for the womens.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Not the intransitive verb



What does an 80 year old woman taste like?


Depends.

Sunday, November 9, 2008

Can I have a seat-belt extension please? I'm flying to Panama City to run an ironman!

I want to see this logo in a lot of places:

1. The side of my pussy-magnet equipped jet
2. Event t-shirts at trisport events
3. The registration desk at tri events
4. The pool at the YMCA
5. Slowtwitch

It's very simple. Keep your fat ass in exercise isolation until your body is hot enough to show up in an advertisement in Triathlete magazine. Then, and only then, come out and show off your body at an event.

I am absolutely revolted by the shear number of wannabe runners/triathletes whose only motivation is to lose weight. Of course, fatties don't admit that to themselves, they say they are out to prove some dumb shit... like "how fat can I be and still finish a triathlon." As if it must be some sort of underground effort to win anti-discrimination rights for fat people. Ok fatties, we don't give the gays the right to get married, but we give your fat asses the right to reproduce. That should be enough to keep them content; but no... they always want more... the right to stick to the linoleum when they squat. the right to have calorie-free Big Macs with extra sauce and no pickles. What are they going to want next? The right to have helium filled Cervélos to shave off another ounce? Here's a place to start: Drop your fucking bodyfat percentage until the remaining fat weighs less than your bike.

If I had a dollar for every chunky flight attendant I've fucked that commented on how hot my body is and told me their long term goals involved running a 5K, I'd have about 132 dollars. I really don't like engaging in pillow talk, but these fat bitches laid on top of me so I couldn't leave while they where blubbering on about how they want to lose weight without actually admitting it to themselves. Because everyone knows that being fat is a disorder. Much like being an alcoholic pilot. We just can't help it, right?

Why do fat chicks give good head? BECAUSE THEY HAVE TO!

I feel fat today

So my body fat is up to almost 10% now... 2 months of having a new and improved girlfriend, eating out with her, eating her out, being sick, and skipping workouts to save my energy for the bedroom is really taking its toll... I really did up my eating to help bulk up and build a little muscle mass (it's hard to bulk up while keeping bodyfat below 5% - it's better to cycle bulking and cutting alternately).


What really bums me out is that groove in the middle of my abs is nowhere near as deep as it was a few months ago. I've gone from an oiled wheel of twisted steel and sex appeal to mere six pack abs (gotta love being genetically gifted to the 8 pack abs, though they only show up sub 5% bf).

At 188 pounds, that's 18 pound of bodyfat to 160 lbs of lean mass. That's a fucking Cervélo filling up all the grooves and trying to hide the CG's. What are CG's you ask? those are the cum gutters formed by your Rectus Abdominus and the External Obliques that make a V shape set of lines from your hip bones to your crotch. Unless you are a fatty, then it is the dimple above your asscrack (in the middle of your tramp stamp) where your boyfriend dumps his load after he pulls out. I know I aim for the dot of your m-dot tattoo.