Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Thinspiration



"Thin is good, but even thinner is perfection"


As I was groping my girlfriend this afternoon I was paying special attention to her hip bones sticking out above her jeans. She asked me if I thought her bones were sexy... I said yes.

Monday, March 30, 2009

Damn Fatties

m-dot fattieI was walking through the parking lot at the gym yesterday (that's something you fatties have never done, since your lazy ass drives around for 10 minutes until an upfront spot opens up) when I suddenly heard an enormous fattie guffawing about something. I turned to look and the fattie exclaimed to everyone within earshot:
"Park a little closer why don't you! I guess these people don't want me to be able to get into my car!"
My first thought was, yes, you fat bitch; you should be riding a bike or a broom to the gym instead of driving. But then I noticed that the compact car she was complaining about was parked dead center in it's own space, and our angry fat bitch's car was much closer to the white line. At that point, couldn't hold back my laughter and shot her a condescending look that probably burned 5 pounds of fat off of her enormous ass instantaneously. Her faced turned red and she squeezed her fat-ass through her car door with the agility of a fattie who is still waiting for the jiggling to stop 20 minutes after the end of Zumba! class.

Yes, this fat bitch was parked one spot from the front door in spaces that are clearly marked for carpooling et al. Why do fat people have to be so stupid and lazy?

Thursday, March 26, 2009

Pick Up Your Copy Today


As the Editor-In-Chief of Anorexilicous magazine, I'll personally autograph your copy if you let me take naked pictures of you for the next issue. Just don't tell my girlfriend.

Nutrition for fatties

This is all you get until you are under a 120 pounds and you have a courtesy gap that's as wide as my fist. Then you can stop taking the diet pills.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Muffin Top

To the female fattie at the gym wearing black workout pants and the pink stretch top, I just wanted to say that you look like a chocolate cup cake with strawberry icing.

I guess you really are what you eat.

Sunday, March 22, 2009

Cheer up fattie!


Just remember that hunger pangs are the sign of fat leaving the body.


Thursday, March 19, 2009

Just the facts ma'am

Remember Ladies, no one can call you anorexic until you've missed your period for at least 3 cycles....

Here's the official finish line for anorexia:
1. Refusal to maintain body weight at or above a minimally normal weight for age and height (e.g., weight loss leading to maintenance of body weight less than 85% of that expected; or failure to make expected weight gain during period of growth, leading to body weight less than 85% of that expected).
2. Intense fear of gaining weight or becoming obese
3. Disturbance in the way in which one's body weight or shape is experienced, undue influence of body weight or shape on self-evaluation, or denial of the seriousness of the current low body weight.
4. The absence of at least three consecutive menstrual cycles (amenorrhea) in women who have had their first menstrual period but have not yet gone through menopause (postmenarcheal, premenopausal females).
Considering the time it would take for the onset of amenorrhea, that's like half a year of getting skinny before you could be accused of being anorexic. Besides, no one has ever told me why women take those damn sugar pills every month anyway.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Ask Push10G's...

Dear Push10G's, now that I've followed your weight loss program I don't fit in with my fat triathlon friends anymore! All they want to do is ride their bikes 7 miles to Burger King for a supersized 3000 calorie fattie meal. Triathletes are a horrible influence on staying skinny... what should I do??? -Yours Vaginally, -A Blonde Hottie.


Every one in a thousand triathletes faces this dilemma. Now that you've started losing weight, you realize you don't fit in with all of you fat triathlon friends anymore. When you finish becoming a hottie, here is a list of sports that hotties do, for you to choose from. There is also a list of fattie sports to avoid.

Sports with hotties:
-pole vaulting
-running
-rock climbing
-cycling
-tennis
-surfing
-beach volleyball
-ballet
-diving

I personally suggest sports which involve warm weather, a bikini, and sweating.

Sports with fatties:
-triathlon
-swimming
-soccer
-basketball
-softball
-hard-surface volleyball

Now i realize that all you are a triathlete and you see running and biking on the skinny list, and swimming on the fattie list. Just accept it and let's avoid the argument. Pick one and be a competitive hottie. Now your goal isn't just to finish, it's to finish faster than everyone else.

Monday, March 16, 2009

joke day


What do women and laxatives have in common?

They both irritate the shit out of you.

Shopping for clothes

Since I moved from the business world to the airline industry, I've changed the way I dress. Obviously I now have the uniform that makes women throw themselves at me vagina first when I'm at the airport, but I have to take it off when i leave the airport to keep women from ripping it off.

These days I shop at local surf shops, Hollister, PacSun or similar stores. It's much easier than shopping somewhere that carries Ralph Lauren or Nautica. (I don't care about fashion, I'm personally ok with just fitting into the 50th percentile). Why is it easier you ask? I only have to look at waist sizes, because everything is designed for people with the correct proportions. There aren't even that many waist sizes to look through, because there are no clothes for fat people. It's great. Plus I get those wanton stares from the high school girls when I walk through the local starbucks. I'm not suggesting one particular fashion style or anything homogenous looking. Quite the opposite. I just don't want to see any clothes over size 4 for women (but even those size 4 fatties need to whip themselves into shape eventually).

So ladies, if you have a tough time finding clothes that you like, you just need to have the body of a hot 18 year old cheerleader. You should get on that right away.

Saturday, March 14, 2009

Why didn't my dance classes look like 00:40?



Oh yeah, I was doing salsa... not ballet. That's all right though, I'm better with my hips.

Friday, March 13, 2009

A tale of two friends

I fly around and meet skinny girls all over the country... nearly every skinny girl i meet has two friends, Ana and Mia. They are peculiar friends...Ana seems to have a lot of forethought, while Mia seems to be hung up on past regrets. The latter is a real bad girl... Hang out with her too much and you'll really get yourself into trouble.

Twice the taste, no caloriesDo you know Ana and Mia? I might be able to arrange an introduction for you. You'll be in love with your new friends so much, you won't even notice that your old best friend, Aunt Flo, doesn't come to visit any more.

Are diamonds a girls best friend? Sure as fuck not the ones I like.

Thursday, March 12, 2009

How can you respect a fattie?


How can anyone respect a fattie? Seriously, is there anyone who is fat and bloated that you trust? Regardless of whether you listen to this guy (or agree with him), it looks like he eats babies to me. I should probably look for a non-political photo, but still, would you trust a fat gym coach, fat dietitian, or fat accountant? I hope not.

I'm not arguing that the opposite might be true, so don't bitch at me for that.

Today's thinspiration for the ladies

"Nothing tastes as good as thin feels"

Just keep reciting that in your mind as you do crunches on an empty stomach this morning...

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

big boned? my skinny white ass.

skinny is hotNow that my girlfriend is out shopping for new jeans because I've got her fully trained to have an effective dietary consumption plan (some call it a "eating disorder" but I like to call it "better than normal"). She'll be looking anorexalicious in no time.

It wasn't that long ago that she told me should could never be a size zero again because her bone structure was too big. Bullshit I say. A woman's pelvic bones don't just keep growing continuously (like beaver teeth) through her twenties and thirties, otherwise, no women would ever have narrow hips. Sure there is some flexibility for childbirth, but just packing on 75 pounds of lard doesn't make your the distance between the crests of your iliac grow 4 inches wider.

you should work on your tan too!So about this big boned load of horse shit... Let's see. First. Can you see your hip bones distinctly protruding from your waistline? If the answer is no, and you think you are big boned, then you are lying to yourself. If you can't see your hip bones, what makes you think they are big? Seriously.

Here's an analogy. Take a fat guy with a belly so big he hasn't seen his penis in years. Using your your logic, do you assume he obviously has a huge penis? What makes you think you have big bones, other than the fact that you weigh a lot? Accept that your logic is retarded, and we'll be off to a fresh start towards those size zero jeans.

I'm not fat! I'm big boned!!!Ok, what if you not willing to accept that... Here is what an average woman's hips should look like (I'm being very generous). Nothing smoking hot or freakishly skinny. This woman has wider than perfect hips. I'm not lying to myself, some women can and some can't have the perfect figure. I bet she can still pull off a size two as is, and that zero if the really tried. Yes, I do realize that not everyone has the same bone-size proportions. Wide hips however, have nothing to do with "skinny." So if you want to use the term big boned, this lady in the purple bikini has big hip bones (and a courtesy gap, fyi).

Come to think of it, the wider your hips are, the bigger your courtesy gap could potentially be!

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Don't ask stupid questions...

go ahead and cry... that's more water weight your losing!
I have not eaten in days. Do you love me yet?

Well babe, there is that little poof under your chin... Who's your friend over there? She's hot!

Monday, March 9, 2009

The soundtrack of skinny


You know what I love more than a hot skinny girl?

Lots of hot skinny girls!!!
It's great, not a short-haired fattie in sight anywhere!



"I like a girl who eats and...brings it up"

Sunday, March 8, 2009

How you stuff your face

Who wants to be a fattie? Ok ok, I know most of you want to eat whatever you want, and that has taken a priority over being skinny. Sucks to be you. When you get your priorities in order and realize that being a fattie is for idiots and bacon, I've got a book for you to read: Advanced Sports Nutrition by Dan Benardot. Buy the book right now.

When you get the book, read it (stay focussed, re-read paragraphs as necessary). A week later, read it again armed with 3 colors of highlighters and post-it note tabs. Two weeks later, read it a third time, focussing on the high points you noted the second time you read it. When will you find the time to read it 3 times you ask? Try skipping a few meals.

I wish he had an entire chapter on ridding the world of fatties, but since he calls this "Advanced" I suppose you should go looking for that in a "basic" sports nutrition book. Instead you get a wealth of information on dietary intake for endurance and various metabolic pathways.

Dan has two charts in this book which help visualize two simple ideas that I had never seen so clearly depicted before:

Figure 12.2: Sharp Deviations in energy balance during the course of a day can affect body composition **Imagine how your caloric intake compares against your calories burned on an intra-day basis. Instead of only looking at the net result of the day (which would be zero if you are neither gaining nor losing mass), he depicts a graph for the full day.

Figure 12.3: An individuals eating pattern has the potential to greatly affect body composition
**
This graph shows three different possibilities for intra-day calorie balance. All three depict net results of zero (again, burning as much as you consume). I personally keep grazing through the day and never eat more than 400 calories at a time, so don't have any giant peaks into the danger zones. Going into the upper danger zones means you spend most of the day with too many big meals

Note I said that both graphs show net caloric balances of zero in all cases. This means the day ends at zero in every situation. Now, if you are fat, this may be too complex to understand, but if you are a skinny person trapped in a fat body, you might have enough intelligence to see where I am going with this.

Eating pattern 2 in figure 12.3 is what most of you fatties do on a daily basis (well, on the rare days that you don't gain weight... see below). You meals are too big for your bodies ability to use the calories right away. Since your body cannot really store carbs, it converts all that pasta to fat to be used later. The problem is, you never end the day on a negative caloric intake, so that level of fat is always increasing or staying the same.

Eating pattern 3 in figure 12.3 is what you do on the days you think you are going to end up on a negative caloric intake.... You stay negative all day, breaking down muscles and fat, and then eat a huge meal at night that all gets stored as fat. Thus effectively having converted muscle to fat for the day

Here is what your graph looked like yesterday:
While you might have a base metabolic rate of 1500 calories a day, burned 500 calories in your morning run, and burned 2ooo calories when you rode your bike 100 miles, you ate so many candy bars that you had a net excess of 1500 calories for the day. This means you gained half a pound of stored fat. You fat fuck. Aren't you even embarrassed?

Stick with something that looks like eating pattern #1 in Figure 12.3, but ending the day at negative 500. You'll lose a lot of fat, and only a little muscle. Cycle a few times and you'll be skinny in no time.


[**From page 215 of Advanced Sports Nutrition by Dan Benardot, PhD, RD, FACSM]

Saturday, March 7, 2009

Today's thinspiration for the ladies


Thin is magic. At a small size, all your dreams will come true. You will walk into a room & suddenly be admired

Daylight Savings


Tomorrow starts daylight savings time you fatties.

Since there is one less hour in the day on Sunday, that means you need to cut your dietary intake by at least 4%...

Why don't you just round that up to 50% less. Yeah...

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Core exercises

Listen ladies... don't over do dumb shit you heard from other trainers... we want a skinny waistline, and all those extra "core" exercises are packing on muscle in the wrong places. Let me tell you what sorts of exercises you should really be doing:

Make sure you get your arm and shoulder exercises to show some muscle tone when you where that strapless and backless little black dress. Nothing sexier than the area where a beautiful woman's neck, shoulders, and back meet. A little endurance there will certainly help with those long-lasting handjobs you should be giving me. Endurance swimming will give you the endurance and the resistance training and pool sprints will give you that burst of anerobic speed that can really get a guy over the edge.

I mentioned the neck... it's hard to find neck machines anywhere but a rehabilitation center or pro football gym... but let's not forget how important those neck muscles are when your giving me a 15 minute blow job. It's a real bummer when you drop the pace at the last minute, so if nothing else, the best blowjob training is actually giving lots of blowjobs until you get good at it.

At the risk of sounding like a broken record, please stop doing those fucking retarded hip adductor/abductor exercises. You should strive to be very flexible in the range of motion in your hips, but you don't need to have all those extra useless muscles taking up room in your precious courtesy gap (or making your hips look wider). Just stick with yoga and other resistance exercises that mimic wild sexual positions. Not only is it fun to watch you do them at the gym, but the real thing is that much better when you don't get a back cramp in the middle of a jack hammer.

Squats. Ass-to-grass squats are the best exercise in the world. Nothing is better for overall conditioning. Not only is it a sexy to see a woman doing free weight squats, but it's getting you ready for some of the greatest reverse-cowgirl action you could imagine. Full-extension is important here. Keep the weight low in the beginning and get those glutes within an inch or two of your achilles when you are at the low point in the exercise. Not only are you getting a good quad, glute, and back exercise, but the stabilizer muscles from free squats will really help with your control to accidental penis damage during those cowgirl moves.

Running. Coupled with eating next to nothing for a few weeks, nothing will get you sexier faster than running. The key is not eating. Get it? No GU, no Shot Blocks, and no simple carbs. I've got an extra oral protein injection waiting for you if you need any supplements.

As i touched on earlier, the yoga positions that mimic sexual positions are a great way to increase flexibility. Some moves are diffictult to achieve without specific training, so make sure you read up or watch some "training videos" to get yourself prepared mentally and physically.

Kegels. I can't speak highly enough of these. You can do them anytime (or all the time) and then throw in some standing exercises with a Kegel Training Bar or Ben-Wa Balls and you'll be up to spec within a very short time. If they aren't working for you, that tightening vaginoplasty is a great simple fix. I don't normally suggest surgery as an easy alternative to exercise, but if you don't have to bother with lubing up that seatpost, surgery might be your only viable option.

One last point.... Make sure you keep good posture. Nothing is more sad looking that a would-be beautiful woman who is slouching with her hear and boobs down and shoulders forward. You don't want to look like Quasimoto, so keep your shoulders back, chin up, and tits perked up.