Women have an expiration date

I've been saying that women have an expiration date for years, but I've never tried to quantify how, or come up with a unifying theory.... Here are a few ideas I've been mulling over:

• The day she met you she decided when you should propose to her... When that date passes in her mind without a marriage proposal, she expires.
• After a month of arguing that all women fake orgasms and that she's never had a real one with any penis, she finally has a breakthrough orgasm during sex. Women expire two weeks after that if you don't refrigerate them properly.
• When they start crying uncontrollably because I banged a new-hire flight attendant on that 32 hour layover.
• When a woman's weight gets over 118 pounds (for "the standard" 5'11" with long blonde hair)
• When a woman starts having irregular periods it's a sure sign she's past her sell-by date and about to expire.
• After the second time you see her crying.
• When she starts to think that you want her for more than her body, and that I wouldn't mind if she put on a few pounds because "beauty is more than skin deep***."
• When women start feeling that they are going to expire at 30 if they aren't married with children before then, it's like putting bananas into a plastic bag. They'll be ripe overnight and expire within a day or two.

I'm open to any ideas anyone might have... It's a good thing that women are disposable, I'd hate to have a permanent one.

(***more on that later)

Joke Day

Q: Why do men die before their wives?

A: They want to.

Women give up too easily, an play in 3 acts

I have never in my life met a woman who could do all the work, from start til finish.

"Hey pretty lady, I climbed 3000 feet of vertical and overhanging granite today, ate virtually nothing all day, and then ran 18 miles back to camp... I was exhausted when I got home..."
"That's sounds like fun, I'm glad you came to see me anyway. I want you."
"Yeah babe.... I'm fatigued and exhausted; how about in the morning"
"I want your tongue"
"Well, that's about the only thing that has energy right now"
"Ok sexy man, I'll do all the work"
[2 minutes of blowjob]
[1.5 minutes of reverse cowgirl]
[1 minute of slowly and clumsily going from decent sex to flopping up and down on top of my already sore body]
[30 seconds of decelerating grinding her clit against my pubic bone]
[then an infinitely long stare]

Ha. Well, she did at least get General Noms De Plume standing erect, so I'll toss her over a few various pieces of furniture and wear myself out so completely that if she pulls that post-sex talking crap again, I'll be asleep and she'll be talking to herself...

You know, That first narrative strikes at the root cause of why real lesbians are such a turnoff... both are too lazy to get each other off without the use of a vibrator. I can imagine that conversation....

"Who should be the man?"
"I don't know"
"Why don't you try it"
"No way, I'm a lesbian because it's too difficult to face my shortcomings..."
"Well I don't want to do it, I hate men because they only want the pussy..."
"Maybe we should take turns?"
"Well, I'm too lazy to wash my long beautiful hair, so I'll cut it off and be the ugly one."
"Well, I'll be the fat one then"
"bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz"
"bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz"
"Having our cats crawl all over us while we mutually masturbate is so kinky"

And there you have it, ladies and gentlemen... Lesbian Bed Death Syndrome, or LBDS for short.

fin

Joke Day

How long does it take the average woman to climax?

Who Cares!

Well Put.

Q: What is love?

A: The delusion that one woman differs from another.

Walking along the beach in soft focus

I have a peculiar effect on women. I'm not talking about making women wet, having them mentally undress me, or having them stare at me with an evil smirk or a wink... but something much more physiological. Virtually every woman I meet is cognitive of at least two of those within any given glance, but this is much more disturbing.

For the sake of this, let's divide all women into four groups:

• Women that I do not want to have sex with
• Women with whom I intermittently have sex with, but no emotional attachment
• Women with whom I have a sexual and emotional relationship
• Women who have not yet had the opportunity to have sex with me

That is a pretty all-inclusive list, but for the sake of this subject, I don't care enough about the first two groups to give a shit one way or the other. My observational powers and ability to predict women's futures have yet to care enough to apply this observation to the last category of women. Anyway, we are just going to focus on the group of women with whom I have or have had a sexual and emotional relationship with. You might call it dating (in the past or currently), but I reject that label.

Here's the problem. Women I'm screwing (emotionally and physically) tend to bleed a lot. It's not because I stab them (as with a knife) or they cut themselves (gotta love the ex with the razor blade addiction), but apparently it's because of my 10 inch cock. I can only assume it's the length of my 10 inch cock, and not the girth, because this is coming from deep inside.

That's right, were talking about the crimson tide. Not the movie folks, at least, not the major motion picture anyways. At first I thought that i was just tickling their cervixes a little too much, but then it was explained to me that the hysterectomy uterus is not just a blood filled balloon waiting to squeeze out its contents at the slightest tickle of the cervix.

So apparently my magical 10 inch cock is poking its evil head into the cervix, and undulating around like a psychotic french whisk, and stirring up a lot of trouble in paradise. Apparently it's a fun ride, but my technique long ago surpassed the need to concern myself with the four types of orgasms that women have (spontaneous, clitoral, vaginal, and cervical if you were wondering).

So this seems to be my cross to bear. If I stick around long enough to care about a woman, she starts bleeding all over me. It really got annoying about 3 years ago, and now it's just bitter irony (bitter like the metallic taste of iron). Should I feel bad for my lesbian ex's new girlfriend?

So I think I'm going to have to start using a drill stop to curb all these bloody messes I find myself in. Like I say... Sometimes it's hard being a pilot. Sometimes it's really hard.

Negative Reinforcement

Since I've become a personal trainer, I have found that women don't respond well to positive reinforcement from a guy like me. If I use positive comments I get incredulous looks and comments like "will it be ok if i never have a body like yours?" No. It's not ok to be a fattie or settle for less than skinny and hawt.

So here is a list of my top motivators... I'm going to throw you all of these at once, so try not to let your head explode with the desire to go lose weight and tone up:

• You really have a classic postpartum body.

• Abs are made in the kitchen... yours look like they were made in the Ben and Jerry's kitchen.
  
  
• I would totally recommend you sign up for more than three months. We have a lot of work to do.
  
  
• We're going to get you looking so hot, you'll be at the bars again picking up guys like me.
  
  
• How can you expect to make progress if you skip the exercises you don't enjoy? It's friggin' obvious you haven't been doing your Kegel exercises.
  
  
• How old is your baby again? Oh... wow. Well, it's never too late to start training. I'm glad you called.
  
  
• Your a triathlete? Really? wow. I guess the swimming part must be easy for you.
  
  
• Now don't go getting pregnant just when we're reaching your fitness goals.
  
  
• You probably already have a washboard stomach.. you just have some laundry to take care of. Why don't you run over to my house and do mine... You need the exercise.
  
  
• Have you thought about having that extra skin removed?
  
  
• Fibromyalgia doesn't really exist... that's what old fatties use as an excuse for being an old fattie in need of a hysterectomy. Well, it's a term used to describe a psychosomatic set of symptoms. It is your body's way of telling you to harden the fuck up.
  
  
• Wow, I haven't seen anyone as fat or as lazy as you in a long time.

Sorry Ladies, I'm not accepting any new clients at the moment.

Always the same damn story...

Women ask for it...
they act all old and mature and then you stick your cock up their ass and they get all bitchy...
"I"M ONLY 13, I'M ONLY 13!!!