Saturday, June 27, 2009

I'm a triathlete == I'm fat, slow, and self-aggrandizing

Yes, I heard you say you have an ironman in August three times already; you can stop mentioning it now. I also deduced that you are a triathlete from your flabby waistline and gu gel remnants dripping down your chin, so you don't have to drop the word triathlon in every fourth sentence. Do you think that when I'm in uniform talking to other pilots that I have to mention that I am a douchebag pilot every fourth sentence?

Seriously, when you are in the presence of other athletes, some of whom are much more accomplished than yourself, you can lay off the ego stroking just a bit.

As for the rest of you, I'm glad you are doing your first irongirl, but is that how you'll define your life from this day forward? You haven't lost the weight yet you slobbering fat-ass. And yes, you look like a fat stupid whore with that biker bitch leather ponytail wrap on your tri bike.

I know what you're thinking, what does "you haven't lost the weight yet" have to do with this? The only reason you are doing this triathlon is to lose that last 45 pounds, even if you are still lying to yourself about that fact... and I don't think you should count your chickens before they hatch.

Am I calling you fat? Yes! Am I calling you antisocial because you are a triathlete? Yes! Why is it that you can't wave or nod to other riders when you pass on the street. Apparently, being a fatty, you missed the skinny athlete initiation where everyone learns the secret language of acknowledging other athletes. I've written extensively on how fat=stupid, but I didn't realize it was this extensive.

I know you think you can't wave at other riders because of your dildo saddle and ballsack aerobar chin-rest, but normal decent human beings who don't take themselves to seriously are more than willing to at least make the slightest gesture to be friendly.

And yes, my dear fat triathlete, everyone notices you speeding up to show how fast you are to the guy when approaching on that road bike head-on. Even if the road bike is a 20" children's bike, you are sure to try to impress them with your aerodynamic sprint from 14.5 mph to speeds appraching a whopping 15.7 mph while you are out on a routine training ride with your 808's. Wow, see how i didn't drop a manufacturers name and you still know what i'm talking about? Shockingly sly of me.... You should try it sometime.

So anyway, add these things to your to-do list...

4. Stop being a antisocial self-aggrandizing prick
5. Stop trying to impress the people that support your sport, as though they know nothing about it.

As for number 5, just because someone is in the bike shop at the same time as you is there with a road bike, doesn't mean they haven't broken 11 hours. So show a little humility and stop making asses of yourselves. One characteristic of a person lacking intelligence is their persistent inability to comprehend their own ignorance.

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Sad News to pass along... :(

I regret to pass on to everyone that our beloved Frank Cardia of finman fame was recently found dead in Bangkok. His body was discovered in his motel room closet, hanging from a makeshift rope of sausage links tied from his penis to his neck. It is unclear whether he committed suicide or not, if he died of suffocation after his ego deflated, or from heart failure due to chronic narcissism.

This photograph from the scene was leaked by Thai media to discredit slowtwitch rumors that Frank might have been a healthy or decent human being who actually died from a compression garment wardrobe malfunction.

We loved you Frank... How could you violate the sanctity of sausage like this? It just doesn't make any sense!

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Summer Fashion Guide

Push10G's is back to help you with your summer fashion faux pas.

First, skinny is definitely in this summer. If you are trying to lose that last 35 pounds, fuck a healthy diet and just starve yourself by a thousand calories a day. If you have to binge, make sure you have your toothbrush with you so you can brush your teeth after you use the handle to purge. You can only purge about 80% of the calories you take in, so make sure you find a bathroom very promptly after eating.

I've noticed that some of you are still fat and stupid enough to wear capri pants. There just is no excuse. Yes, I know you like your calves and remember how capri pants let you show them without exposing you cottage cheese thighs, but now that you are skinny you have to let go! It's a big paradigm shift for you, but now that you are skinny, your legs are hot. It will be hard the first time, but once you realize how many guys are trying to look up your shorts it will be an instant confidence builder and you will wonder why you ever took those ridiculous looking capri pants out of the closet on Memorial Day. Besides, the triple crown races are finished, the horse jockey look is done for the year. Unless your ass still looks like the horse's, then by all means keep that shit covered up. Or better yet, don't leave your house until you lose the weight.

Next, you really need to change the way you think about clothes. Stop shopping at modest stores for fat women like Ann Taylor and start shopping where the hotties shop. Case in point, buy your next skirt at Hollister. They don't carry anything bigger than a size 4 (or at least they shouldn't) and none of their skirts are too long, so it's the perfect place to shop this summer. Make sure you wear flip flops if your skirt has ragged edges (yes, you could be my sexy college girl).

Now here is a summer fashion tip that won't cost you anything. Spend some time in the sun and pick up some sexy tanlines. Few things are as simple and as hot as showing your natural complexion in small amounts. The greatest parts of tanlines is that if I trace them with my finger, they all eventually come together at your "naughty white bits." Don't stare at the picture too closely.

When it comes to beachwear, nothing beats a bikini with wide stripes and and bows at the hips. Wow. Just like the tan lines, it's all about making a man's imagination work overtime... What if one of those knots accidentally came untied? It's such a timeless sexy look, sort like Audrey Hepburn in Two for the Road...a skinny woman with that kind of style will always be sexy (except for the jeans).

Go ahead and throw away those loose fitting earth-tone and tie-died sundresses. Go with white or bright pastel colors instead of earthtones so you won't look like you're going to an organic farmers market in Asheville. Please? If you're going to walk around looking like a damn hippie, you'd might as well stop shaving your legs and armpits too.

So you cut all your hair off when you got fat and started popping out babies...Now it's time to grow out your long blonde hair and go surfing to work on those sun streaks that look so sexy. It should hang just below your shoulder blades. The wavy look framing your face, after you let it down from having it braided while you were out surfing, is an inexpensive and unbeatable look that cannot be duplicated in a salon. Just think how much money you'll save.

I've given you the basics, so you have no excuse for not looking sexy for me this summer. By July 4th I expect you all to be looking super-sexy-thin and anorexilicious for me. And if you are lucky, I'll do you from the front this time and I won't make you put the paper bag over your face.

Monday, June 15, 2009

'Sup Fatties?

Let me apologize for my recent absence. A month long sex triathlon (Ultraman my chiseled white ass... I can show you fat fuckers a thing or two about endurance) left me tied to a bed with a couple of insatiable southern belles trying to test the limits of my manhood.

But I have returned triumphantly with new uniform slacks from Express that even makes all the lesbian pilots I fly with leave snail trails over the custom tailored fabric covering my ripped quads. I can convert women in both directions apparently.