Saturday, January 31, 2009

Joke Day

How do you know when your girlfriend has had an orgasm?

Who cares.

Friday, January 30, 2009

Are you a fattie? probably.

The health department just released an updated Body Mass Index for women to modernize the terminology.

Are you a fattie? Ladies, if you weigh over 110 pounds, you'd better be at least a 6 foot tall amazonian fucking machine.

And I don't want to hear that crap about your tits throwing off your BMI, no excuses you fattie.

For fucks sake...

Why can't all of you hideous bitches lose 25 pounds, grow your hair halfway down your back, bleach your hair blonde, and get a tan?

What is so fucking hard about about all this? See those two girls in the middle? I don't even CARE what their faces look like. It's obvious that they all have courtesy gaps, even if it's hidden from this angle.

Now, just for the record, I wouldn't date you because you'd be a fake blonde; but I do a little charity work every now and you might have a slight chance.

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

FACT: Fat People Are Stupid

I was perusing the book on infectious fattieism, and I happened upon this tasty zero calorie fat free morsel of modern science.

I realize that as a fattie, you are too busy walking slowly through some busy airport terminal and getting in my way to read this, so let me summarize it for you. It is a scientific observation that fat people are dumb.

The study uses terms like BMI and Cognitive Function that are far beyond your bacon fat encrusted brain's ability to comprehend, so just remember... fat people are stupid.

And stop trying to kill that fat guy named Gene. He isn't responsible for your fatness or your stupidity. Oh wait, he's fat too... go ahead and get rid of him.

Monday, January 26, 2009

My Peer Review is complete,2933,482788,00.html

And I quote my December 21st blog post (emphasis added):
If you see a fat triathlete in the streets, try to avoid contact. Fattyness spreads by contact and is highly contagious. Do not share bottles with fat triathletes as indirect contact with a fat triathlete is the second leading cause of obesity in our country.
So let's review the facts:
  • Fat is hideous and ugly
  • Being around fat people will make you fat
  • Triathletes are fat
  • If you don't have a courtesy gap you are morbidly obese
  • Runners aren't fat
  • Since your daughter is a skinny high school cross country runner you should let me hook up with her

Encyclopedia of Fatties

I just picked up a new book from Barnes and Noble yesterday. I recognized some hot female triathletes from the front cover, so I thought I'd pick it up and write a review on it.

Turns out the book is very direct and to the point. It says that you are all fat and you need to lose weight; you fucking fatties....

No joke. Put down the turkey drumstick, take the emergency GU packets out of your fat folds, and start working on that courtesy gap. After all, When everyone in the room is skinny, it's the widest courtesy gap that matters.

Friday, January 23, 2009

Hello Mrs Robinson

I hear she had a great courtesy gap

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Fat people is stoopid

I've been doing research on how fat effects the brain. I am trying to understand why fat people are idiots. Is it causation or correlation. I mean, are they fat because they are retarded, or does being fat make them stupid?

I realize that fat people all have low IQ's, but which is the cause and which is a symptom? Simple deduction tells me that since all fat people are stupid, but not all stupid people are fat (and conversely, some skinny people are stupid), it must be varying degrees of stupidity. I'm going to go out on an unscientific limb here, and say that people with a sub 80 IQ are the fatties and people with IQ's between 80 and 100 are the skinny idiots.

EUREKA!!! I'll be damned folks! There is no fat gene, but there is definitely a stupid gene... ALL FAT PEOPLE ARE GENETICALLY PREDISPOSED TO BE IDIOTS. Which is of course, explains why they seem to think there is a fat gene... they are just to dumb to understand their own situation.

In the pussy half of the gym I work out in (that's the half that doesn't have free-weights, chin-up bars, or tricep dip bars), the machines are Cybex Eagles. You probably don't know much about them, but believe me, anyone with an IQ over 80 could figure out that you adjust the seat height while your are sitting in the machine. They have spring loaded dampers and easy to reach handles that allow you to easily adjust the seat position (eg, if you pulled the handle while standing next to the machine, the relatively strong spring would raise the seat).

Well, fat fucks can't figure this out. I have never ever seen a skinny person trying to move the handle one way while trying to push down on the seat with their other hand. Fatties on the other hand fuck it up everytime and I just laugh. I like it when they really get frustrated and start shaking their head, which makes their double chin jowels jiggle.

FATTIE frequently asked questions:

Are fat people intelligent enough to be sentient? My research indicates that the group is centered across the threshold of sentience. Only about 50% of the fat idiots in the world look in a mirror and realize they are fat. The rest just paw at the mirror like a cat and make farting noises.

Why do only fat people think there is a fat gene? Well, no fatty in the history of modern medicine has been intellectually capable of understanding genetics, so they demonize things they don't understand. They beat all of the fat guys named Gene to death with turkey drumsticks, so now it's some sort of abstract idea that there is one more fat Gene left to beat.

Why do fatties take "dance" class at a gym instead of a ballroom?
Normal ballrooms aren't designed to handle that kind of weight.... it would warp the hardwood floors.

Monday, January 19, 2009

My newest book

So I took some time off from my busy schedule to write an inspirational new children's book.

I think it's better to train women to be skinny from a very early age.

Sunday, January 18, 2009

Finally a fun run I can support

An event was brought to my attention recently that I think all of you should participate it. Now, it's not an ironman or a deep-fried twinkie eating contest, but in terms of social importance, it should be at the top of your to-do list.

I present to you the Merrick's Walk and 5K Fun Run to raise Anorexia Awareness! I mean, what could be more important than spreading awareness of the benefits of being anorexic? You can be faster, skinnier, and a whole lot better looking. Isn't that what we all want?

Seriously, what could possibly be better for potential anorexics than a good fast 5K run on an empty stomach? Sounds like a way to shave off a few more ounces of that tummy fat you keep complaining about. But the real benefit is showing other fatties that being fat is NOT OK and you've found a way to get rid of all your fat and keep it off!

No pain, no gain. Now why don't you all use running as a way to get your mind off eating. Every time you feel a bit hungry, just lace up those Saucony's and run through the hunger pains. And hey, I'll even let you drink all the water you want!!!

Oh, and I'm now a Certified Addiction Counselor who specializes in counseling women with eating disorders, addictions, and self-image issues. So if you are fat and you wonder why men never whistle at you when you wear a skirt, just give me a call. I'll have you obsessively and compulsively starving your way to a better and sexier new you in no time... guaranteed! Counseling is one-on-one in a very very intimate setting, so just relax and let's get started...

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Things fat people do...

It's not just how profoundly huge fat people are that piss me off, it is also the things that they do...

Without putting a great deal of effort into this, I'm starting to compile a list of things fat people do that piss me off. Feel free to submit your own observations.

  1. Fatties use the elevator instead of the stairs, even if the elevator is hidden around a corner. I think fat people can smell elevators. I think they mark such things with anal glands that spray glucose or something.
  2. Fatties walk really slowly
  3. Fatties breath like a pig snorting when they pretend to exercise at the gym
  4. Gym fatties like to sit on gym equipment instead of using it (see #19) and then pretend to act exhausted. While in fact, they are just out of breath from the agonizingly slow walk inside from their car.
  5. Fat people sweat a lot
  6. Fat people talk really loud
  7. Fatties stand still on moving sidewalks. You fat fucks please stop doing this. At some airports there are 5 of these things in a row, and if you walk them, you get to the other end faster. I know that you fatties depend on the gravitational pull between your mass of your huge ass and the mass of all your fat friends at mcdonalds to accelerate you there faster, but moving sidewalks are installed to save time, not calories you fat fucking belugas.
  8. Fat people say they want to run a 10K
  9. Fat people wear hideous clothing. Fat pants as it were.
  10. Fat women wear too much makeup. Apparently Rachel Ray can give you tips on how to use makeup to hide your double chin.
  11. Fatties lose shit like packets of duck sauce in their fat skin folds
  12. Fat people talk about how hard it is to lose weight (Here's a tip, keep your enormous facial sphincter shut)
  13. Fat people have sex and risk replicating. (had someone once describe how he lifted his potbelly onto his wife's fat ass in order to enter her from behind)
  14. Fat people sometimes make eye contact with me
  15. Fat people go out in public
  16. Fat people blame genetics for their fattiness just before they eat a small child
  17. Fat people have filthy car interiors (want to guess why?)
  18. Young fat people like to wear revealing clothing (makes me never want to eat a muffin top again)
  19. Fat people like to watch The Biggest Loser but don't realize the irony in the title... besides, all the finishers are still fucking HUGE
  20. Fatties do ab exercises on stability balls (ugh!!!)
  21. Fatties like to sit on stability balls and bounce up and down.
  22. Fatties take classes like Zumba and other dumb shit at the YMCA
  23. Fat women go to gyms like Curves that have curtains on the windows
  24. Fat people don't buy two seats when they fly on an airline, they just ask for a seatbelt extension before they walk sideways down the aisle dragging their FUPA (fat upper pussy area) paunch and oscillating butt cheeks across the arms and shoulders of every poor victim who has an aisle seat.
  25. Fat people attempt triathlons
  26. Fat girls get tramp stamps
  27. Old fat people bob up and down in the pool with foam "exercise" equipment and make huge waves as they agitate all that random shit out of their fat folds and into the pool water.
I could go on and on, but I'm making myself sick just thinking about it.

Monday, January 5, 2009

'Sup Sluts

So one of the pussy magnets on my airplane was deferred today. There are 2 others in the triple redundant system, so we were legal to dispatch, with a few procedural caveats. Instead of sitting in my wool covered 3 axis adjustable pilot seat (with double adjustable lumbar support) while passengers boarded, I instead stood at the entrance to the aptly named cockpit and greeted women as they boarded.

It's interesting how people in different regions of the country and world make eye contact and greetings when they are boarding, versus when they are departing. But 'eh, who cares what is going through their minds. All I know is that I get to look at asses when they are boarding and tits when they are exiting.

When they're getting off, it's the MILF's that hold eye contact with me the longest and then make no false pretenses when they scan my well-tailored uniform up and down, often pausing once or twice along the way. I just smile and reciprocate. The younger ladies just look nervous and seem to stare at my crotch so they don't have to make eye contact.

Like I said, only one of the pussy-magnets was deferred. The other two are more than enough.

Sunday, January 4, 2009

Hey fatties

When you get so skinny that you need suspenders to hold up your bikini bottoms, give me a call...