Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Things fat people do...


It's not just how profoundly huge fat people are that piss me off, it is also the things that they do...

Without putting a great deal of effort into this, I'm starting to compile a list of things fat people do that piss me off. Feel free to submit your own observations.

  1. Fatties use the elevator instead of the stairs, even if the elevator is hidden around a corner. I think fat people can smell elevators. I think they mark such things with anal glands that spray glucose or something.
  2. Fatties walk really slowly
  3. Fatties breath like a pig snorting when they pretend to exercise at the gym
  4. Gym fatties like to sit on gym equipment instead of using it (see #19) and then pretend to act exhausted. While in fact, they are just out of breath from the agonizingly slow walk inside from their car.
  5. Fat people sweat a lot
  6. Fat people talk really loud
  7. Fatties stand still on moving sidewalks. You fat fucks please stop doing this. At some airports there are 5 of these things in a row, and if you walk them, you get to the other end faster. I know that you fatties depend on the gravitational pull between your mass of your huge ass and the mass of all your fat friends at mcdonalds to accelerate you there faster, but moving sidewalks are installed to save time, not calories you fat fucking belugas.
  8. Fat people say they want to run a 10K
  9. Fat people wear hideous clothing. Fat pants as it were.
  10. Fat women wear too much makeup. Apparently Rachel Ray can give you tips on how to use makeup to hide your double chin.
  11. Fatties lose shit like packets of duck sauce in their fat skin folds
  12. Fat people talk about how hard it is to lose weight (Here's a tip, keep your enormous facial sphincter shut)
  13. Fat people have sex and risk replicating. (had someone once describe how he lifted his potbelly onto his wife's fat ass in order to enter her from behind)
  14. Fat people sometimes make eye contact with me
  15. Fat people go out in public
  16. Fat people blame genetics for their fattiness just before they eat a small child
  17. Fat people have filthy car interiors (want to guess why?)
  18. Young fat people like to wear revealing clothing (makes me never want to eat a muffin top again)
  19. Fat people like to watch The Biggest Loser but don't realize the irony in the title... besides, all the finishers are still fucking HUGE
  20. Fatties do ab exercises on stability balls (ugh!!!)
  21. Fatties like to sit on stability balls and bounce up and down.
  22. Fatties take classes like Zumba and other dumb shit at the YMCA
  23. Fat women go to gyms like Curves that have curtains on the windows
  24. Fat people don't buy two seats when they fly on an airline, they just ask for a seatbelt extension before they walk sideways down the aisle dragging their FUPA (fat upper pussy area) paunch and oscillating butt cheeks across the arms and shoulders of every poor victim who has an aisle seat.
  25. Fat people attempt triathlons
  26. Fat girls get tramp stamps
  27. Old fat people bob up and down in the pool with foam "exercise" equipment and make huge waves as they agitate all that random shit out of their fat folds and into the pool water.
I could go on and on, but I'm making myself sick just thinking about it.

3 comments:

Trackie Bert said...

Fat people quit in T2

Jen said...

Fat people who cruise the parking lot looking for an up front space when they should park in the back lot so their fat ass can get some exercise!

Anonymous said...

Fat people get pregnant without realizing it. I suppose it's a combination of being fat and stupid.