Thursday, April 30, 2009

Gym Grunting Etiquette

Alright fatties, I need to teach you some discipline when it comes to making obnoxious noises at the gym:

Grunting is only allowed when lifting free weights and one of the following conditions it met:
(1.) When lifting your One Rep Max (or attempting to set a new one)
(2.) When lifting the last rep of a set of at least 8 reps when there is no spotter and you might die if you don't get the barbell back onto the racks without an adrenaline burst
(3.) If something in your body is damaged during the lift (eg. a testicle bursts, hernia erupts, or anus prolapses)

You may only grunt once per gym visit, unless the second grunt is because you became injured during a subsequent lift (see #3 above).

Thou shalt never grunt during a bench press unless you are pressing more than your body-weight.

Now isn't that simple? Just keep the dumb shit to a minimum and put the weights back on the correct racks when you are done.

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Hey fat dude at the gym

Instead of trying to horde 6 pieces of equipment during the lunchtime rush so you can "superset" an entire circuit workout, try "super-setting" 5 sets of 10 A2G squats with an 1000 calorie hour on the treadmill and then another 1000 calorie hour on the elliptical trainer. Can you feel the pump now you fat fuck?

So you lift weights?
No, I just put them down.

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Sing Along Day

Sing along ladies! (and check out the hairless pussy at the end)

Monday, April 27, 2009

Benefits of a courtesy gap

I've heard of legs that rub together when running, but I just saw legs that were completely stuck together while this fattie was running. It was almost like she had dripped half a jar of Smuckers jelly out of a 3 layer PB&J onto on her thighs and it glued everything together.

You might ask why I went out looking for such a thing... I was doing legs at the gym yesterday, the only day I venture away from the free-weights, and the leg extension and prone leg curls were right in front of the treadmill this fattie was using. I didn't notice it right away, because instead of focusing on donuts and trying to figure out ways not to actually do work in the gym, I was intent on busting out 3x10 sets of the maximum weights these machines allow (literally, and this is after 5 sets of ass-to-grass squats). So I look up, and I end up eye-to-FUPA with this fat excuse for a woman.

After I regained control of my gagging reflex, I (for the benefit of science) began watching the mechanics of her attempts to crush the treadmill jogging. There must be like a 20% loss of efficiency when you are running with the flab on your legs glued together. It's already stretched out, which is why she can walk/jog without falling over. I can't imagine what sort of smelly effects the heat dissipation from that motion must cause.

But really, lay off the sticky sweets before you go running so your legs aren't stuck together like some sort of fucked-up mermaid. Besides, men don't like mermaids, we like "reverse mermaids"...

Oh, and if you don't know what a FUPA is, check this out:

Anyways, the whole point is, if you have a courtesy gap, no one will mistake you for a mermaid and you won't smell like half of a sweaty fish either.

Sunday, April 26, 2009

Glamour Magazine: Bathroom reading at the girlfriend's house

The ladies at Glamour kind of have it right... turn to page 160 of the May issue. By all means, if you have a body like the illustration then you are welcome to indulge a little bit.

Why do fat women say that magazines like this foster an unhealthy body image? All the girls in that magazine look pretty damn healthy to me!

Thursday, April 23, 2009

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Things you need to do today

fat fingers to do list
Lose weight, grow your hair down to the middle of your back, and get a tan. Next week you can send me pictures of your courtesy gap.

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

How deep is beauty?

As the saying goes.... "Beauty is more than skin deep." While it' is very true, many people have a gross misunderstanding of this principle.

Beauty is very deep. In fact, beauty penetrates all the way to the bones. These bones comprise a large percentage of a woman's beauty. What many women fail to understand however, is that fat is a very good insulator. While a very tiny bit of fat is necessary, when it exceeds about 14% in a woman it hides beauty just as well as a lead shield protects us from x-rays.

Your beauty wants to radiate out from your bones... Why don't you let it shine?

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Women have an expiration date

but I thought you LOVED me???I've been saying that women have an expiration date for years, but I've never tried to quantify how, or come up with a unifying theory.... Here are a few ideas I've been mulling over:

  • The day she met you she decided when you should propose to her... When that date passes in her mind without a marriage proposal, she expires.
  • After a month of arguing that all women fake orgasms and that she's never had a real one with any penis, she finally has a breakthrough orgasm during sex. Women expire two weeks after that if you don't refrigerate them properly.
  • When they start crying uncontrollably because I banged a new-hire flight attendant on that 32 hour layover.
  • When a woman's weight gets over 118 pounds (for "the standard" 5'11" with long blonde hair)
  • When a woman starts having irregular periods it's a sure sign she's past her sell-by date and about to expire.
  • After the second time you see her crying.
  • When she starts to think that you want her for more than her body, and that I wouldn't mind if she put on a few pounds because "beauty is more than skin deep***."
  • When women start feeling that they are going to expire at 30 if they aren't married with children before then, it's like putting bananas into a plastic bag. They'll be ripe overnight and expire within a day or two.
I'm open to any ideas anyone might have... It's a good thing that women are disposable, I'd hate to have a permanent one.

(***more on that later)

Thursday, April 2, 2009

Who wants to be a fattie?

Isn't bacon a vegetable? OMG which one do I choose?

Stop being fat and stupid, you stupid fatties.