Friday, November 28, 2008

Pop Quiz

Which one of these women is Fat?

It's a trick question, you were fat when you did your Iron Girl triathlon and when you did your 70.3

Lose 15 more pounds then give me a call.

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Sprint, 70.3, Iron, Ultra? Fuck that. How about a magnum triathlon?

What do you call oral, vaginal, and anal... all in under an hour?

Normally I just call it "Friday Night" but we'll rename it the "Magnum Triathlon"

Perhaps we'll call the it the
First Annual IronWhore Magnum Triathlon Presented by Trojan
in honor of the sexiest triathlete alive.

6 feet of bones and fucking

Did you know that one side effect of sexiness (some call it anorexia, but lets not split hairs), is loss of your period?

Another side effect is a vast number of chumps telling you how great you look 24 hours a day.

When you lose 5 more pounds you should call me.

And why do women take those sugar pills again?

Monday, November 24, 2008

Quantity counts for something

What's the best thing about fucking twenty-six year olds?

There's twenty of them.

Saturday, November 22, 2008

Mind the Gap

What is sexy?

Let me tell you what is sexy... skinny.

Tell me what's wrong with the girl on the left?

Small love handles and her courtesy gap could stand to be just a little wider.

You can look like a coke whore or a world-class runner, as long as there is at least 3 inches between your thighs while standing with your feet together. That's the courtesy gap, and that's what matters. I don't want to see the outlines of your abs, that's too masculine. I want to see bones, not muscle.

The example to the right illustrates a very well formed courtesy gap

So you ask: Mr. Pilot, what should i do in order to have a chance with you?
Lose weight you fattie. Then go read my new book
Ten Things to do to Your Man that aren’t Lay There Like a Futon and try being something other than a fattass in all your daily activies, including sex (or as you know it, "laying there jiggling and moaning").

Hey Look, it's a new triathlete!

Hey fatties, yes you do look fat in your wetsuit! It's not the wetsuit's fault, it the ginormous mounds of fat you squeezed into it, you fat ass. Try again when you aren't so fucking fat.

It's not the wetsuit that makes you look fat, it's your fat that makes you look fat

Thin people have sex 5 times more often

Friday, November 21, 2008

I am not a bigot.

Women don't believe I'm not a boob man. They really think that since I look into their eyes and face while they are talking that must not be interested in them only for their body.

They couldn't be more wrong. I'm not turned on by tig bitties, so I don't stare at them. Women are so thrown off by this, they just let their guard down. Easy pickings.

You ladies keep asking me why I don't take your bra off during sex. If I'm polite I'll just say that I'm not a boob man. If you keep pushing it I'll tell you that I took a peek at your pancake sized nipples and wasn't interested. Why can't women learn to stop asking questions that they really don't want the answers to?

So, when I say I like low bodyfat and skinny is sexy, I friggin' mean it. No exceptions, not even for boobs. (and fake ones piss me off, but those are the girls that like to be spanked and degraded, so I cut them slack in the beginning because I know I will take it out on them later)

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

and their hair falls out when you pull on it

What's the worst thing about eating a vegetable?

Getting her back in the wheelchair.

Friday, November 14, 2008


Oh my god, you look so familiar! Did I sleep with you last week?


Did we have sex? You look very familiar. And I was kinda drunk, but I'm pretty sure it’s you.

Uh, I don’t think so

I think we had sex last week. I am so sorry I didn’t call you, I really meant to, but my phone isn’t working, I had a flat tire, and my dog ate my homework, and I really meant to call you. I wanted to tell you how good you were!

(puzzled look)

And I want you to tell your friend that she was really good too! Is she here with you again tonight?

(fuck me eyes)

It's all in the smile and eyes; it really doesn't matter what comes out of your mouth! Hahaha. Women say that they don't fall for pickup lines... they just don't know when they do. You have to be smarter than your prey folks!

Thursday, November 13, 2008

Misogyny is my middle name

Serving my glorious country as an airline pilot gives me plenty of time to pontificate on how happy i am to have testicles. I really enjoy walking through the world's busiest airports and winking at the beautiful women who want to throw themselves at me, vagina first. It does wonders for my ego.

I think there are just as many women in this world as men who just want to get fucked, no strings attached. You know, that's great. Good for them, I'm glad that women have the right to do it. Just not the fattie mcfatfucks. Why can't their labia be as sticky as their fat fingers (from the 12 damn packs of GU gels they ate during their Iron Girl 5K) so perhaps it would seal itself shut and protect the rest of us from their viral fat infection.

And for fuck's sake, If you are the first woman to cross the finish line at a respectable event, isn't it demeaning to have to announcer say that you are followed by "some male age grouper." Hahaha. Stop rolling across the line as slowly as possible so he doesn't have to stand behind you waiting so awkwardly. The first woman to cross the finish line is the first female loser. It's not about finishing. Second place is the first loser.

And ladies, in the event of a water landing, my body can be used as a flotation device... but only in salt water. I sink like a brick in fresh water. I can hold my breath for about 3 minutes however...and probably longer if i wanted to.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

I have to take the canopy off for outside loops

Pushing 10's Self-Improvement Guide

So you finally at looked at yourself wearing your stretched out size XXL triathlon t-shirt in a mirror and realized that you are fat. Or maybe your went for a flight with me in the Extra or the Pitts and I did a outside loop and all you saw the entire loop was your fat muffin top stretched over your eyes. Oh wait, I don't take fatties up for acro because you don't fit in the fucking airplane. My bad.

So this purple triathlon t shirt you wear at the gym as a medal of honor looks like a pastry bag stuffed with butter cream frosting that has been squeezed in the middle like a kid squeezing a toothpaste tube. Yet, since you did this benefit triathlon in 11 hours you wear it like the filthy stained security blanket you had when you were a fat kid eating lard biscuits with gravy 37 years ago.

But this blinding realization that you are fat, catalyzed by my laughing as you sat there weezing in the ab-crunch machine (hogging it for 30 minutes at a time from the other fat slobs while you squeeze out 3 sets of 15, on 10 pounds resistance, with 5 minute breaks in between; luckily non-fatties do real exercises and weren't inconvenienced by your blubbery sweating mass), has finally clued you in that you need help.

First, there is nothing wrong with anorexia. It's only bad if you die. Let's avoid the causation/correlation debate for now. Bulemia is OK in moderation, but the main side effect is bad teeth/breath. Use it sparingly and no problemo. Face it, skinny girls are hawt. Second, exercise is only a way to increase your strength/stamina,; not losing weight. Ask those Ethiopians; diet is the primary way to not be a least these are skinny arms

So, what kind of self-improvement blog post needs a 3 paragraph introduction? Let me introduce the concept of cutting! While going under the knife can be a catalyst in extreme situations, most fatties need merely a calorie deficit. Cutting (as in cutting bodyfat) is quite simple. Burn and shit more calories than you eat. You don't need a awesome diet for this. As a fatass 37 year old woman not exercising (dnf-ing does not mean you can eat a post race buffet), your base metabolic rate is about 1600 calories a day. Your problem is that you eat a fucking GU gel every 10 minutes in your bike ride/run and consumed twice the 2000 calories you burned during your iron-girl "triathlon." That means if you would've stayed hydrated with water (instead of your diet coke), your net fat gain during your fat shaking expedition was .57 pounds. You consumed 2000 more calories than you needed, and each pound of fat on your sickening hail-damaged ass is worth 3500 calories.

You must be at least this skinny to competeHow you manage to stay a size 12 while exercising as much as you do (or lie about doing) is a fucking unbelievable testament to how cottage cheese-like your ass is.

So mister pilot, how can I have rock hard abs and glutes like you?

Cutting. Plain and simple. Put fewer calories into your gaping maul than your BMR. Fuck exercising. BUT OMG, MY TRAINING!1! Fuck it. Lose weight you god damn fatty. How much weight did you save by getting that pink Cervélo? FUCK THAT. You'll lose 2 times the weight of your entire fucking bike this off season. How do you think that will translate into speed and climbing ability next season?

When I go into cutting mode, (I cycle mass-building and bodyfat cutting just for fun), I run a 500 calorie deficit per day. That's a pound a week. Your fat ass needs to lose 30 pounds in 4 months. That's a 105,000 calories worth of fat in 120 days (There is no FAT GENE, but there is a STUPID GENE). OMG, that's a whopping 875 calorie per day deficit.
the GOD equationSo let's recap: (drop the twinkie now). Eat a 875 less calories than you expend during the day. It's not that you are starving your fat ass, the difference will just come from stored fat. If you are in a training regimen right now, figure out how many calories that is worth, add it to your BMR and subract the

So right now, your fat ass is training and continually gaining weight because you are eating 5000 calories a day and you burn 4000, then you need to only eat 3125 calories a day. Keep swimming, biking, and running, just stop eating all that fucking GU gel, shot blocks, and drive-by burgers that your body _doesn't_ need while you are exercising because you have enough STORED FAT at 3500 calories per pound to burn instead.

It isn't fucking hard. Enjoy the pain, whether it is from exercising or from a [more nearly] empty stomach.
  • Eat five tiny (no more than 500 calorie) meals a day (assuming you actually exercise and need that many calories)
  • Plus protein shakes (8 oz skim milk, 1 scoop chocolate protein powder, 4 oz ice, 1 ripe banana) as snacks to prevent catabolic muscle loss,
  • Do a 30 minutes light cardio when you wake up and glycogen are lowest to burn a little extra fat easier
  • Don't eat cake, fried foods, or other stupid shit for your 500 calorie meals (ever heard of lowfat cottage cheese and pineapple?)
  • Some fat in the diet is ok, just no bad fats, we want you to look good, and not have dry skin. Use good sources of carbs and proteins
  • Take a few supplements like a multivitamin and Omega 3 Fatty Acids
  • Drink at least 3 liters of water a day and no sodas or sports drinks
Now, I hate that I had to write such a long post just to convey a 500 calorie deficit, but obviously your fatness makes it hard to penetrate into your brain.

You can come out of hiding and start a normal training routine when you get down to 15% body fat for the womens.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Not the intransitive verb

What does an 80 year old woman taste like?


Sunday, November 9, 2008

Can I have a seat-belt extension please? I'm flying to Panama City to run an ironman!

I want to see this logo in a lot of places:

1. The side of my pussy-magnet equipped jet
2. Event t-shirts at trisport events
3. The registration desk at tri events
4. The pool at the YMCA
5. Slowtwitch

It's very simple. Keep your fat ass in exercise isolation until your body is hot enough to show up in an advertisement in Triathlete magazine. Then, and only then, come out and show off your body at an event.

I am absolutely revolted by the shear number of wannabe runners/triathletes whose only motivation is to lose weight. Of course, fatties don't admit that to themselves, they say they are out to prove some dumb shit... like "how fat can I be and still finish a triathlon." As if it must be some sort of underground effort to win anti-discrimination rights for fat people. Ok fatties, we don't give the gays the right to get married, but we give your fat asses the right to reproduce. That should be enough to keep them content; but no... they always want more... the right to stick to the linoleum when they squat. the right to have calorie-free Big Macs with extra sauce and no pickles. What are they going to want next? The right to have helium filled Cervélos to shave off another ounce? Here's a place to start: Drop your fucking bodyfat percentage until the remaining fat weighs less than your bike.

If I had a dollar for every chunky flight attendant I've fucked that commented on how hot my body is and told me their long term goals involved running a 5K, I'd have about 132 dollars. I really don't like engaging in pillow talk, but these fat bitches laid on top of me so I couldn't leave while they where blubbering on about how they want to lose weight without actually admitting it to themselves. Because everyone knows that being fat is a disorder. Much like being an alcoholic pilot. We just can't help it, right?

Why do fat chicks give good head? BECAUSE THEY HAVE TO!

I feel fat today

So my body fat is up to almost 10% now... 2 months of having a new and improved girlfriend, eating out with her, eating her out, being sick, and skipping workouts to save my energy for the bedroom is really taking its toll... I really did up my eating to help bulk up and build a little muscle mass (it's hard to bulk up while keeping bodyfat below 5% - it's better to cycle bulking and cutting alternately).

What really bums me out is that groove in the middle of my abs is nowhere near as deep as it was a few months ago. I've gone from an oiled wheel of twisted steel and sex appeal to mere six pack abs (gotta love being genetically gifted to the 8 pack abs, though they only show up sub 5% bf).

At 188 pounds, that's 18 pound of bodyfat to 160 lbs of lean mass. That's a fucking Cervélo filling up all the grooves and trying to hide the CG's. What are CG's you ask? those are the cum gutters formed by your Rectus Abdominus and the External Obliques that make a V shape set of lines from your hip bones to your crotch. Unless you are a fatty, then it is the dimple above your asscrack (in the middle of your tramp stamp) where your boyfriend dumps his load after he pulls out. I know I aim for the dot of your m-dot tattoo.