Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Happy fucking new year

My new year's resolutions:
  1. Treat women I don't know more like shit
  2. Treat women I do know more like shit
  3. Treat average looking women more like i treat fatties
  4. Tell at least 10 women per day to lose weight
  5. Of the women I tell to lose weight, my quota will be at least 100 pounds (sum total)
  6. Make at least 3 fat women cry per day

Your fat friends

You could lose a lot more weight if your fat friends weren't holding you back... You know that shit is highly contagious, right?

Make sure you tell them you can't hang out with them because they are fat. Otherwise they might just think that you aren't a lesbian anymore.

Monday, December 29, 2008

Still looking for your courtesy gap?

Having trouble finding your courtesy gap?

Try a little cocaine... I hear it helps

From the looks of pictures that have been emailed to me, there seems to be a bit of confusion in how the courtesy gap is determined. Here is the official Push 10 G's Guide to Courtesy Gap Inspection:
  1. A properly formed courtesy gap will measure 3 inches from thigh to thigh, measured 1 inch below the lowest point of the camel toe.
  2. The courtesy gap is measured with the woman standing vertical, with her heels and the balls of her feet both touching
  3. A false courtesy gap may be formed when a woman leans forward, as though to be entered from behind or to self-inspect while leaning over (suggestion: use a full length mirror).
  4. You should determine the actual size of your gap with a trained partner, not be leaning over to measure it yourself, to ensure accurate measurements.
  5. If you wear greater than size zero skinny jeans you are too fat to have a courtesy gap. I suggest losing ten pounds and then remeasuring. Repeat this process every two weeks until you have proper courtesy gap.

Thursday, December 25, 2008

I went christmas shopping for you...

Merry Christmas baby... I went to Victoria's Secret to buy you some lingerie, but they didn't have anything smaller than a size zero. It took a while but I finally found something that I thought would look good on you! It's a size PXS, so hopefully it's small enough for you.

What do you mean size two??? THAT's TWO SIZES TO BIG!!! I know I only fly out to see you a few times a year, but what the fuck happened? You don't have to let yourself go! Dammit you fattie, lose 10 pounds and call me back when these size PXS crotchless panties fit you again. And do you know how hard it is to find a vinyl bra in size 28AA?

Well fuck. I hope i can get a flight out of here on christmas day. Keep crying, it will help you lose some water weight.

Sunday, December 21, 2008

More coverage on GIHUGIC breaking news...

A secret source at Runner's World magazine has sent me a copy of the original undoctored cover proof featuring a Fat Triathlete that was featured on their cover in the October 2007 issue.

(first draft of the October 2007 cover)

It is easily ascertained from the wide hips, enormous thighs, and godzilla cankles that this is in fact a real triathlete; not the doctored version that ran actual print issue. Don't be fooled by the media; fatties have very effectively infested the triathlon world and are considered immune to weight loss even under such demanding circumstances.

If you see a fat triathlete in the streets, try to avoid contact. Fattyness spreads by contact and is highly contagous. Do not share bottles with fat triathletes as indirect contact with a fat triathlete is the second leading cause of obesity in our country.

Saturday, December 20, 2008

Breaking News

My skinny friends at TriFAThlete have uncovered a story that has the blogging world trembling, and I am in possession of more shocking evidence that I must share with the world. Evidence that threatens to destroy the fabricated notions of these triathletes who are exalted by other triathlon websites...

(original undoctored photo)

Don't let photoshopped photos of "skinny" female triathletes fool you! No such skinny triathletes have ever existed! Even the so-called pro's are packing bodyfat percentages that would make a holstein blush.

More to come!!! Stay tuned!

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Too skinny? Bullshit

Here are pictures of women who are not too skinny. In fact they could all stand to lose quite a bit more weight... How is it that the news media has attempted to manipulate women into thinking that being skinny is unhealthy (as opposed to the much more righteous fashion industry)?

Love Handles?
For fucks sake let's
act like a professional

Lose another two pounds
and I won't divorce you


I can see the flab on your arms
from here! Get rid of the fat
flaps and I might let you live

Lose another 2 inches off of
your waist and give me a call

Could you please lose some
fucking weight so you don't
rip your dress every
time you bend over?



Tuesday, December 16, 2008

bonus joke day

Q: What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?
A: Nothing. You told her twice already.

Q: What is the first thing a woman should do after getting out of the hospital for domestic violence?
A: The dishes, if she knows what's good for her.

Q: What do 20,000 battered women have in common?
A: They don't know how to fuckin' listen.

Q: How does Bush know when Cheney is having a good day?
A: His penis tastes of the blood of minority children.

Monday, December 15, 2008

Her vazhïn hang like sleeve of wizard's robe

Let's total up how much weight you could stand to lose off of your DuraAce 7800 equipped bike.

SRAM Red: 265 grams
Cost $2000
$3426 per pound

DuraAce 7900: 135 Grams
Cost $2300
$7734 per pound

Campy Super Record: 235 grams
Cost $3100
$5988 per pound

Labiaplasty : 3 pounds of your hideous roast beef meat curtains shaved off
Cost $3000
$1000 per pound and a better looking courtesy gap

Stop being a GU guzzling fat-ass and get down to below 14% body fat: 23 pounds saved
Cost $-800
($35) per pound

Just think, you are making money by losing weight! You'll save over 800 dollars if you lay off all the fucking GU gels and lose all that grotesque body fat that bulges out of your cycling shorts

The money saved by losing all this weight will pay for a quarter of the cost of your labia reduction surgery! Then you won't have to bitch about how your vazhïn swells up and looks like a rose made out roast beef that smells like a dumpster full of rotting fish every time you DNF the ride because your fatt ass can't climb florida hills.

The benefits are endless!!! And if you call now, I throw in an added bonus! If you shave all the hair between your vazhïn and your asshole you'll lose another pound instantly! Thats an $800 dollar value just for being a hideous wildebeast!!!MEAT CURTAINS

How could you possibly want to buy a lighter components when all you have to do is shave off a pound of matted pubes, stop sucking GU gels like a coke whore earning her living, and indulge in a little self-beautification surgery? And here's a another free bonus, not only will you look better, but you won't make that flapping noise when you are pissing.

How great is that?

Sunday, December 14, 2008

Hello again Chris Hansen

What's better than fucking a skinny 16 year old?


Cougars come pretty close though.

Thursday, December 11, 2008

It's sing-along-time with uncle pilot!

Fat Girls Talkin Bout Cardio - How I Became The Bomb

Fat girls
talkin' 'bout cardio
Oh Oh
Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh

Fat girls
talkin' 'bout cardio
Oh Oh
Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh

They don't
they don't even know
Oh Oh
Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh

They don't
they don't even know
Oh Oh
Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh

She's lookin' for a new relation
sick of all the self stimulation
she's gotta alotta insulation
butt the size of a third world nation

She's lookin' for a new relation
sick of all the self stimulation
she's gotta alotta insulation
butt the size of a third world nation

These girls
they don't know what to do
these girls
they don't know what to do

Fat girls
talkin' 'bout cardio
Oh Oh
Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Fun with skinny women

You look like the fun loving type... would you like to play carnival?

You sit on my face and I'll guess how much you weigh.

After that we'll play coin toss, head i get tail and tails i get head

Thursday, December 4, 2008

My Master Cleanse testimonial

Let me share my master cleanse testimonial with you. I live in a world full of fat flight attendants and even fatter triathletes. Sometimes I wonder how I can go on living in such a world of fat and blubberous women. It's hard. Sometimes it's even harder.

I learned to cope with this cruel world using my own variation of the colon cleansing technique:

How is a woman like a laxative? They both irritate the crap out of you.First, I have to break these grotesque fatties down mentally so they realize that they are fat.

Second, I berate these fat and hideous women to stop eating and take laxatives to make them look sexy.

"Take a handful of laxatives every 6 hours each day and call me in a week"

c'mon fatty, just 5 more pounds to loseThird, after the laxatives have
taken effect, I allow them to only
drink water with lemon juice
and cayene pepper in it.

"Cheer up, you'll be sexy in no time"

Oh YEAH!!! Squeeze out another pound! "No no, call me in _two_ weeks "

Finally, when they are cleansed of all the vile and hideously ugly fat cells I ensure they are completely adapted to their new lifelong routine of vomiting (I like to call it "purging") after every meal and popping laxitives like candy to take care of anything that got past the stomach before they made it to the bathroom to purge.

So the master cleanse technique has worked wonders for me!!! I now find myself surrounded by hordes of skinny women looking for my approval. What more could a man ask for?

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Was it the 11th commandment?

Could someone please tell me where is the rule that women have to get their hair cut off at age 40?

Long hair on mature women is such a turn on? Why cut it off?

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Bitch please... shut up

Women love to give me grief. I call it Post-coitus open-mouth syndrome. It generally starts off with her fingers tracing the outline of my 8 pack abs, or just running 4 fingers from my pecs to my CG's; followed by a compliment about how sexy I am. Great. Lots of pictures have been taken of my abs and their raw sexual masculinity is well documented, but thanks for stroking my ego.

I'm certainly willing to return the favor, and provide an equally gracious and heartfelt compliment about your appearance. I know a lot of superlatives for sexy, intelligent, and pleasurable; and how to use them in an heartfelt way, though I usually would rather fall asleep or just catch my breath at that moment.

Why the fuck can't women leave it at that? I do not want to have an entire damn conversation about commitment, love, how fat you are (or feel) and what-ifs every fucking time we have sex.

Ladies please, take the hint: shut the fuck up after our mutual orgasms and just let the moment linger. I worked my ass off for 45 minutes to get you off; I do not want to play twenty questions now. Seriously. Or you try doing all the fucking work for once without screwing it up, and see if you want to "open up" when we're done.

So you think I'm sexier than you? great? Shut the hell up about it. I don't want to hear it, and if you aren't going to believe what I tell you, don't ask the damn question!

Monday, December 1, 2008

Critique my position

OMG Where is the fucking eye bleach?

Lose 30 pounds and then I might tell you to switch to an injection molded dildo saddle replica of my cock* and OH MY GOD ARE THOSE CANKLES? Those are some awfully chubby cheeks you have! Is that why there are no acorns in the northeast this year? I bet it's even harder to pronounce your R's and G's with those things.

*for sale soon in right and left handed models.

Props to TriFAThlete for the inspiration. Click the image for full size pic.