Thursday, February 26, 2009

Reverse Triathlon

I've decided that normal triathlons are too painfully boring, so from now on, it's Reverse Triathlons only for me...

That means anal, vaginal, then oral.

Well then...

I see you are a bad-ass...
I too, am a bad-ass.

What a great week off I've had.

What you tards call the pre-season I call getting the beach-body into oiled and chiseled perfection. I don't do the latent homo crap like throwing a medicine ball at another guy in a near-trib position while doing opposing situps... but instead honing the tan and shaving off the 5 pounds of winter excess from periodization.

It's tough to know when you've hit the perfect body, but it's somewhere between being a vein popping freak and being a mere mortal. The veins start to get freaky when they show up on top of the cum gutters. A good place to keep your bodyfat percentage is the zone between having those veins visible at all times and visible only after physical exertion. In other words, no weird veins before sex, but looking like a juiced up freak after sex.

Women will tell you it's gross, but after sex, they just can't keep their fingers off those veins or out of the grooves.

Friday, February 20, 2009

Women give up too easily, an play in 3 acts

I have never in my life met a woman who could do all the work, from start til finish.
"Hey pretty lady, I climbed 3000 feet of vertical and overhanging granite today, ate virtually nothing all day, and then ran 18 miles back to camp... I was exhausted when I got home..."
"That's sounds like fun, I'm glad you came to see me anyway. I want you."
"Yeah babe.... I'm fatigued and exhausted; how about in the morning"
"I want your tongue"
"Well, that's about the only thing that has energy right now"
"Ok sexy man, I'll do all the work"
[2 minutes of blowjob]
[1.5 minutes of reverse cowgirl]
[1 minute of slowly and clumsily going from decent sex to flopping up and down on top of my already sore body]
[30 seconds of decelerating grinding her clit against my pubic bone]
[then an infinitely long stare]
Ha. Well, she did at least get General Noms De Plume standing erect, so I'll toss her over a few various pieces of furniture and wear myself out so completely that if she pulls that post-sex talking crap again, I'll be asleep and she'll be talking to herself...

You know, That first narrative strikes at the root cause of why real lesbians are such a turnoff... both are too lazy to get each other off without the use of a vibrator. I can imagine that conversation....
"Who should be the man?"
"I don't know"
"Why don't you try it"
"No way, I'm a lesbian because it's too difficult to face my shortcomings..."
"Well I don't want to do it, I hate men because they only want the pussy..."
"Maybe we should take turns?"
"Well, I'm too lazy to wash my long beautiful hair, so I'll cut it off and be the ugly one."
"Well, I'll be the fat one then"
"Having our cats crawl all over us while we mutually masturbate is so kinky"
And there you have it, ladies and gentlemen... Lesbian Bed Death Syndrome, or LBDS for short.


Thursday, February 19, 2009

Joke Day

How long does it take the average woman to climax?

Who Cares!

Friday, February 13, 2009

Top exercise for fatties

So you want to look fat? Boy do I have an exercise for you...

But then again, since you are already a fattie you probably already do this exercise every day.fatties love some hip adduction/abduction almost as much as In-N-Out burgers

If you never want to have a courtesy gap and you want to keep your wide hips forever, why don't you head down to your local gym and do Hip Adduction/Abduction exercises. I'm sure you know what machine I'm talking about... You saw other fat bitches slobbering all over this useless machine so you decided to do yet another exercise which involves sitting down and spreading your legs.

What a useless fucking exercise. All it does it makes your thunder thighs even wider. That means it makes your thighs rub together even more and makes your ass look wider in those bike shorts you outgrew a long time ago anyway.

You should really practice your Kegels instead, by tying a 5 pound weight to your favorite dildo, insert it whilst standing up, and contract your PC muscles to keep it there for 30 second repititions, until failure.

What a sexy sleek device they make for this purpose.

If you think it is upside down in this picture, you need get a tightening vaginoplasty when you get your labia reduction surgery.

Riding the cotton pony

I helped the EMTs at a car wreck last night and got blood all over my arms and shirt. It looked like I murdered 20 people with a fork... anyway, I walked into a convenience store down the street and said my girlfriend needs a tampon. The guy at the counter was mortified.

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Well Put.

Q: What is love?

A: The delusion that one woman differs from another.

People who are almost as annoying as fatties in the gym

Hollywood Lifter in ActionWhen I'm at the gym, sometimes I just can't help laughing... Usually it involves a fattie trying to operate a cybex machine or pedaling an elliptical so slowly that the machine won't stay on... but sometimes it's the guys working with free weights that really crack me up. Guys who come in with a buddy, do two sets of three benchpresses, fully assisted by their spotter because they racked up too much weight and then leave without doing another exercise. Seriously, who the fuck are you kidding. I just laugh... knowing that they will certainly be fat someday

It's the ones who pull the Adonis shit in front of the mirror that usually get the most laughs from me. Seriously. I laugh at them in the gym. It reminds me of the greatest workout line ever:

Excuse me, Can the rest of us use the mirror? "Excuse me, Can the rest of us use the mirror?"

Now, I'm not quite as much of a man as Chris Kattan, so I can't take credit for being the first person to use that line. But oh, what a great line. Seriously, can't these meatheads wait until they get home to use their mom's full length mirror for their flexing and shadow-boxing session. Many of these douchebags also suffer from what is called ILS: Imaginary Lat Syndrome.

I don't blame the mirrors... and even I find myself looking at myself occasionally, but I'm not over-the-top mentally masturbating at the sight of myself in the mirror. Nor do I lift up my shirt to look at my abs in the mirror every 5 minutes. I just do my workout, laugh at idiots, and go home.

Since I can't take time out of my workout to laugh at every single idiot, face to face, I've come up with my next million dollar idea. Screen print my insults onto the back of my gym shirts... Here's the first run:
  • I'm too weak to rip my sleeves off... Could you spot me?

  • You sure are lumpy... Is it the creatine or just weird fat deposits

  • Do you mind if i work-in on your mirror?
  • Can you teach me to grunt like that?

  • How many extra pounds can you lift when you do that scream-like-a-girl thing?

  • Where did your neck go? Do the ladies find that sexy?

  • Nice Biceps... those guns really accent how puny the rest of your body looks.

  • I bet your imaginary girlfriend doesn't know what full extension is either.
I'm open to suggestions, as have more important thing to do... like insulting fatties instead of picking on the meatheads.

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Walking along the beach in soft focus

I have a peculiar effect on women. I'm not talking about making women wet, having them mentally undress me, or having them stare at me with an evil smirk or a wink... but something much more physiological. Virtually every woman I meet is cognitive of at least two of those within any given glance, but this is much more disturbing.

For the sake of this, let's divide all women into four groups:
  • Women that I do not want to have sex with
  • Women with whom I intermittently have sex with, but no emotional attachment
  • Women with whom I have a sexual and emotional relationship
  • Women who have not yet had the opportunity to have sex with me
That is a pretty all-inclusive list, but for the sake of this subject, I don't care enough about the first two groups to give a shit one way or the other. My observational powers and ability to predict women's futures have yet to care enough to apply this observation to the last category of women. Anyway, we are just going to focus on the group of women with whom I have or have had a sexual and emotional relationship with. You might call it dating (in the past or currently), but I reject that label.

Here's the problem. Women I'm screwing (emotionally and physically) tend to bleed a lot. It's not because I stab them (as with a knife) or they cut themselves (gotta love the ex with the razor blade addiction), but apparently it's because of my 10 inch cock. I can only assume it's the length of my 10 inch cock, and not the girth, because this is coming from deep inside.

That's right, were talking about the crimson tide. Not the movie folks, at least, not the major motion picture anyways. At first I thought that i was just tickling their cervixes a little too much, but then it was explained to me that the hysterectomy uterus is not just a blood filled balloon waiting to squeeze out its contents at the slightest tickle of the cervix.

So apparently my magical 10 inch cock is poking its evil head into the cervix, and undulating around like a psychotic french whisk, and stirring up a lot of trouble in paradise. Apparently it's a fun ride, but my technique long ago surpassed the need to concern myself with the four types of orgasms that women have (spontaneous, clitoral, vaginal, and cervical if you were wondering).

So this seems to be my cross to bear. If I stick around long enough to care about a woman, she starts bleeding all over me. It really got annoying about 3 years ago, and now it's just bitter irony (bitter like the metallic taste of iron). Should I feel bad for my lesbian ex's new girlfriend?

So I think I'm going to have to start using a drill stop to curb all these bloody messes I find myself in. Like I say... Sometimes it's hard being a pilot. Sometimes it's really hard.

Negative Reinforcement

Since I've become a personal trainer, I have found that women don't respond well to positive reinforcement from a guy like me. If I use positive comments I get incredulous looks and comments like "will it be ok if i never have a body like yours?" No. It's not ok to be a fattie or settle for less than skinny and hawt.

So here is a list of my top motivators... I'm going to throw you all of these at once, so try not to let your head explode with the desire to go lose weight and tone up:
  • You really have a classic postpartum body.
  • Abs are made in the kitchen... yours look like they were made in the Ben and Jerry's kitchen.

  • I would totally recommend you sign up for more than three months. We have a lot of work to do.

  • We're going to get you looking so hot, you'll be at the bars again picking up guys like me.

  • How can you expect to make progress if you skip the exercises you don't enjoy? It's friggin' obvious you haven't been doing your Kegel exercises.

  • How old is your baby again? Oh... wow. Well, it's never too late to start training. I'm glad you called.

  • Your a triathlete? Really? wow. I guess the swimming part must be easy for you.

  • Now don't go getting pregnant just when we're reaching your fitness goals.

  • You probably already have a washboard stomach.. you just have some laundry to take care of. Why don't you run over to my house and do mine... You need the exercise.

  • Have you thought about having that extra skin removed?

  • Fibromyalgia doesn't really exist... that's what old fatties use as an excuse for being an old fattie in need of a hysterectomy. Well, it's a term used to describe a psychosomatic set of symptoms. It is your body's way of telling you to harden the fuck up.

  • Wow, I haven't seen anyone as fat or as lazy as you in a long time.
Sorry Ladies, I'm not accepting any new clients at the moment.

Monday, February 9, 2009

Always the same damn story...

Women ask for it...
they act all old and mature and then you stick your cock up their ass and they get all bitchy...
"I"M ONLY 13, I'M ONLY 13!!!

Sunday, February 8, 2009


I was laying next to my number one girlfriend last night and I had my hand up her shirt. Not grabbing her boobs as you might expect (if you didn't know me), but instead I was gently pinching each rib. Sounds kinky doesn't it?

I was giving her the Push10G's official bodyfat test. My fingers are actually finely calibrated bodyfat calipers. I moved down each rib until I got to her love handles.

Now what else would I do... I mean I love this woman, but...


Hell hath no fury like a woman who has just had her love handles measured and documented. I'll just let her fume for a while until she's ready for some calorie-burning make up sex. Maybe I won't "accidentally" stick it in her pooper this time.

Friday, February 6, 2009


For any of you who have ever even tried rock climbing or losing weight to do better in a competition:

Don't wait until the day before/of to optimize your power to weight ratio. Though I do have an appreciation for the skinny girls that excuse themselves from a dinner-date to go purge. As long as they carry breath mints with them, anyways.

Tuesday, February 3, 2009


Show me sub 10% body fat on a woman and I'll show you a woman who doesn't have hail-damaged thighs. Such women do exist, and many of them get paid a lot of money to have pictures taken of them. Oh, and their thighs don't touch when they put their knees together either. Hint hint.

Don't worry about genetics and excess subcutaneous fat's relationship connective tissue. Excess subcutaneous fat is the root problem. Just get rid of the root problem and you won't have to worry about it's complications.

Who has it? Fatties
How to get rid of it? Cut body-fat until it goes away. There is no other solution.

There is only one way for you to cut bodyfat: Burn more calories than you consume, every day, until you reach your body-fat goals. Do the math on the right side of the equation to find out how many calories you should consume each day

TargetDailyCaloricIntake = DailyCaloriesBurned - ((TotalPoundsToLose*3500)/NumberOfDaysUntilYouAren'tFat)

So you ask, "just how many pounds do I need to lose before I start looking sexy?"
I have two-part answer for that:

1. If you know what your bodyfat percentage is and thus your lean mass, you would probably already know the answer.

Since I have time to burn right now, i'll educate the rest of you:
a.) Subtract your fat mass from your current weight to find your lean mass
CurrentWeight - (CurrentWeight*CurrentBodyFatPercentage) = LeanMass

b.) Find your goal weight by multiply your lean mass times the 10% bodyfat goal

LeanMass*(1.10) = Goal

c.) Subtract your goal from your current weight to find out how many pounds you want to lose

CurrentWeight - Goal = TotalPoundsToLose

2. Since you don't already know your bodyfat percentage, just burn 500 calories more per day than you eat until your cellulite disappears.This means you will be hungry. Get over it. Lean to love the hunger as you enjoy the pain of a hard workout.

If you ever feel full, you have eaten too much. Try not to have any meal more than 400 calories at a time. I'll make another blog post soon about timing caloric intake and energy balance.

Science has the answers, not Cosmo. Actually, having concrete numbers in your head makes this a lot less abstract and doing the math will help give you concrete goals. With exact and meaningful goals, you can benchmark your progress. People like me can provide support, but to make it happen you have to have internal motivation. The only motivating force that a stranger like me has to offer is ridicule. Fat is ugly. Don't be fat. If you have cellulite you are FAT. Realize that, and you'll find your internal motivation.

Monday, February 2, 2009

Happy Gay Joke Day

What's the worst thing about having sex with a 10 year old boy?

Cleaning the blood off your clown suit.