Thursday, February 26, 2009
Reverse Triathlon
That means anal, vaginal, then oral.
Well then...
I too, am a bad-ass.
What a great week off I've had.
What you tards call the pre-season I call getting the beach-body into oiled and chiseled perfection. I don't do the latent homo crap like throwing a medicine ball at another guy in a near-trib position while doing opposing situps... but instead honing the tan and shaving off the 5 pounds of winter excess from periodization.
It's tough to know when you've hit the perfect body, but it's somewhere between being a vein popping freak and being a mere mortal. The veins start to get freaky when they show up on top of the cum gutters. A good place to keep your bodyfat percentage is the zone between having those veins visible at all times and visible only after physical exertion. In other words, no weird veins before sex, but looking like a juiced up freak after sex.
Women will tell you it's gross, but after sex, they just can't keep their fingers off those veins or out of the grooves.
Friday, February 20, 2009
Women give up too easily, an play in 3 acts
"Hey pretty lady, I climbed 3000 feet of vertical and overhanging granite today, ate virtually nothing all day, and then ran 18 miles back to camp... I was exhausted when I got home..."Ha. Well, she did at least get General Noms De Plume standing erect, so I'll toss her over a few various pieces of furniture and wear myself out so completely that if she pulls that post-sex talking crap again, I'll be asleep and she'll be talking to herself...
"That's sounds like fun, I'm glad you came to see me anyway. I want you."
"Yeah babe.... I'm fatigued and exhausted; how about in the morning"
"I want your tongue"
"Well, that's about the only thing that has energy right now"
"Ok sexy man, I'll do all the work"
[2 minutes of blowjob]
[1.5 minutes of reverse cowgirl]
[1 minute of slowly and clumsily going from decent sex to flopping up and down on top of my already sore body]
[30 seconds of decelerating grinding her clit against my pubic bone]
[then an infinitely long stare]
You know, That first narrative strikes at the root cause of why real lesbians are such a turnoff... both are too lazy to get each other off without the use of a vibrator. I can imagine that conversation....
"Who should be the man?"And there you have it, ladies and gentlemen... Lesbian Bed Death Syndrome, or LBDS for short.
"I don't know"
"Why don't you try it"
"No way, I'm a lesbian because it's too difficult to face my shortcomings..."
"Well I don't want to do it, I hate men because they only want the pussy..."
"Maybe we should take turns?"
"Well, I'm too lazy to wash my long beautiful hair, so I'll cut it off and be the ugly one."
"Well, I'll be the fat one then"
"bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz"
"bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz"
"Having our cats crawl all over us while we mutually masturbate is so kinky"
fin
Thursday, February 19, 2009
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Friday, February 13, 2009
Top exercise for fatties
But then again, since you are already a fattie you probably already do this exercise every day.
If you never want to have a courtesy gap and you want to keep your wide hips forever, why don't you head down to your local gym and do Hip Adduction/Abduction exercises. I'm sure you know what machine I'm talking about... You saw other fat bitches slobbering all over this useless machine so you decided to do yet another exercise which involves sitting down and spreading your legs.
What a useless fucking exercise. All it does it makes your thunder thighs even wider. That means it makes your thighs rub together even more and makes your ass look wider in those bike shorts you outgrew a long time ago anyway.
You should really practice your Kegels instead, by tying a 5 pound weight to your favorite dildo, insert it whilst standing up, and contract your PC muscles to keep it there for 30 second repititions, until failure.
What a sexy sleek device they make for this purpose.
If you think it is upside down in this picture, you need get a tightening vaginoplasty when you get your labia reduction surgery.
Riding the cotton pony
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
People who are almost as annoying as fatties in the gym
It's the ones who pull the Adonis shit in front of the mirror that usually get the most laughs from me. Seriously. I laugh at them in the gym. It reminds me of the greatest workout line ever:
"Excuse me, Can the rest of us use the mirror?"
Now, I'm not quite as much of a man as Chris Kattan, so I can't take credit for being the first person to use that line. But oh, what a great line. Seriously, can't these meatheads wait until they get home to use their mom's full length mirror for their flexing and shadow-boxing session. Many of these douchebags also suffer from what is called ILS: Imaginary Lat Syndrome.
I don't blame the mirrors... and even I find myself looking at myself occasionally, but I'm not over-the-top mentally masturbating at the sight of myself in the mirror. Nor do I lift up my shirt to look at my abs in the mirror every 5 minutes. I just do my workout, laugh at idiots, and go home.
Since I can't take time out of my workout to laugh at every single idiot, face to face, I've come up with my next million dollar idea. Screen print my insults onto the back of my gym shirts... Here's the first run:
- I'm too weak to rip my sleeves off... Could you spot me?
- You sure are lumpy... Is it the creatine or just weird fat deposits
- Do you mind if i work-in on your mirror?
- Can you teach me to grunt like that?
- How many extra pounds can you lift when you do that scream-like-a-girl thing?
- Where did your neck go? Do the ladies find that sexy?
- Nice Biceps... those guns really accent how puny the rest of your body looks.
- I bet your imaginary girlfriend doesn't know what full extension is either.
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Walking along the beach in soft focus
For the sake of this, let's divide all women into four groups:
- Women that I do not want to have sex with
- Women with whom I intermittently have sex with, but no emotional attachment
- Women with whom I have a sexual and emotional relationship
- Women who have not yet had the opportunity to have sex with me
Here's the problem. Women I'm screwing (emotionally and physically) tend to bleed a lot. It's not because I stab them (as with a knife) or they cut themselves (gotta love the ex with the razor blade addiction), but apparently it's because of my 10 inch cock. I can only assume it's the length of my 10 inch cock, and not the girth, because this is coming from deep inside.
That's right, were talking about the crimson tide. Not the movie folks, at least, not the major motion picture anyways. At first I thought that i was just tickling their cervixes a little too much, but then it was explained to me that the
So apparently my magical 10 inch cock is poking its evil head into the cervix, and undulating around like a psychotic french whisk, and stirring up a lot of trouble in paradise. Apparently it's a fun ride, but my technique long ago surpassed the need to concern myself with the four types of orgasms that women have (spontaneous, clitoral, vaginal, and cervical if you were wondering).
So this seems to be my cross to bear. If I stick around long enough to care about a woman, she starts bleeding all over me. It really got annoying about 3 years ago, and now it's just bitter irony (bitter like the metallic taste of iron). Should I feel bad for my lesbian ex's new girlfriend?
So I think I'm going to have to start using a drill stop to curb all these bloody messes I find myself in. Like I say... Sometimes it's hard being a pilot. Sometimes it's really hard.
Negative Reinforcement
Since I've become a personal trainer, I have found that women don't respond well to positive reinforcement from a guy like me. If I use positive comments I get incredulous looks and comments like "will it be ok if i never have a body like yours?" No. It's not ok to be a fattie or settle for less than skinny and hawt.
So here is a list of my top motivators... I'm going to throw you all of these at once, so try not to let your head explode with the desire to go lose weight and tone up:
- You really have a classic postpartum body.
- Abs are made in the kitchen... yours look like they were made in the Ben and Jerry's kitchen.
- I would totally recommend you sign up for more than three months. We have a lot of work to do.
- We're going to get you looking so hot, you'll be at the bars again picking up guys like me.
- How can you expect to make progress if you skip the exercises you don't enjoy? It's friggin' obvious you haven't been doing your Kegel exercises.
- How old is your baby again? Oh... wow. Well, it's never too late to start training. I'm glad you called.
- Your a triathlete? Really? wow. I guess the swimming part must be easy for you.
- Now don't go getting pregnant just when we're reaching your fitness goals.
- You probably already have a washboard stomach.. you just have some laundry to take care of. Why don't you run over to my house and do mine... You need the exercise.
- Have you thought about having that extra skin removed?
- Fibromyalgia doesn't really exist... that's what old fatties use as an excuse for being an old fattie in need of a hysterectomy. Well, it's a term used to describe a psychosomatic set of symptoms. It is your body's way of telling you to harden the fuck up.
- Wow, I haven't seen anyone as fat or as lazy as you in a long time.
Monday, February 9, 2009
Always the same damn story...
they act all old and mature and then you stick your cock up their ass and they get all bitchy...
"I"M ONLY 13, I'M ONLY 13!!!
Sunday, February 8, 2009
So....
I was giving her the Push10G's official bodyfat test. My fingers are actually finely calibrated bodyfat calipers. I moved down each rib until I got to her love handles.
Now what else would I do... I mean I love this woman, but...
[SQUEEZE]
Hell hath no fury like a woman who has just had her love handles measured and documented. I'll just let her fume for a while until she's ready for some calorie-burning make up sex. Maybe I won't "accidentally" stick it in her pooper this time.
Friday, February 6, 2009
Climbing.
http://www.rockclimbing.com/Articles/Training_and_Technique/What_Not_to_Do_at_a_Comp__265.html
Don't wait until the day before/of to optimize your power to weight ratio. Though I do have an appreciation for the skinny girls that excuse themselves from a dinner-date to go purge. As long as they carry breath mints with them, anyways.
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
Cellulite
Don't worry about genetics and excess subcutaneous fat's relationship connective tissue. Excess subcutaneous fat is the root problem. Just get rid of the root problem and you won't have to worry about it's complications.
CELLULITE FAQ:
Who has it? Fatties
How to get rid of it? Cut body-fat until it goes away. There is no other solution.
There is only one way for you to cut bodyfat: Burn more calories than you consume, every day, until you reach your body-fat goals. Do the math on the right side of the equation to find out how many calories you should consume each day
TargetDailyCaloricIntake = DailyCaloriesBurned - ((TotalPoundsToLose*3500)/NumberOfDaysUntilYouAren'tFat)
So you ask, "just how many pounds do I need to lose before I start looking sexy?"
I have two-part answer for that:
1. If you know what your bodyfat percentage is and thus your lean mass, you would probably already know the answer.
Since I have time to burn right now, i'll educate the rest of you:
a.) Subtract your fat mass from your current weight to find your lean mass
CurrentWeight - (CurrentWeight*CurrentBodyFatPercentage) = LeanMass
b.) Find your goal weight by multiply your lean mass times the 10% bodyfat goal
LeanMass*(1.10) = Goal
c.) Subtract your goal from your current weight to find out how many pounds you want to lose
CurrentWeight - Goal = TotalPoundsToLose
2. Since you don't already know your bodyfat percentage, just burn 500 calories more per day than you eat until your cellulite disappears.This means you will be hungry. Get over it. Lean to love the hunger as you enjoy the pain of a hard workout.
If you ever feel full, you have eaten too much. Try not to have any meal more than 400 calories at a time. I'll make another blog post soon about timing caloric intake and energy balance.
Science has the answers, not Cosmo. Actually, having concrete numbers in your head makes this a lot less abstract and doing the math will help give you concrete goals. With exact and meaningful goals, you can benchmark your progress. People like me can provide support, but to make it happen you have to have internal motivation. The only motivating force that a stranger like me has to offer is ridicule. Fat is ugly. Don't be fat. If you have cellulite you are FAT. Realize that, and you'll find your internal motivation.