Monday, December 21, 2009

Cycling is too boring

How to make road cycling more interesting:

  • Slalom gates at random intervals that are wide enough for one, two, or three cyclists. (each gate would be different, but never more than three abreast)
  • Shoulder blocking is legal
  • Drifting: 180 degree turns (not a hairpin) in a time trial that would make a fixie riders approve. A tight enough area for this would leave barely enough room for a 180 degree sliding stop.
  • Rumblestrips that are more like fuck-you-up strips if you don't at least try to pop the front wheel up or bunny hop them
  • Legal for the race leader to dump oil in the curves
  • Sand Bunkers: the entire width of the road is a sandbox, except for a 6" wide bridge throught the middle

    Some of these would benefit those who get the lead early and try to keep it. The peloton would be 10 minutes between the front and back, instead of one homogenous mass of pussies. Best of all, it would make cycling less fucking boring.
  • Monday, September 21, 2009

    It's as easy as 1-2-3!

    I don't get it... All a woman needs to do is be skinny, let her hair grow to the bottom of her shoulder blades, and shower/shampoo twice a day... What is so hard about that?

    Friday, September 4, 2009

    words of wisdom

    Accidents don't kill people... accidents make people.

    Take that out on your friday night with the flight attendants.

    Friday, August 28, 2009

    Bunny Boilers

    All of you crazy stalker chicks are something else...

    One of you had a mind-blowing revelation earlier today when I described to you how my phone does _not_ show 45 missed calls when it is turned off during all those calls... The only way I would've known that you called, under such circumstances, would be if you left a message. If my phone went straight to voicemail and you just hung up, then there is no magic stalker alert from Verizon Wireless that lets me know you called every 5 minutes while I was at 41,000' on my way to Ft Lauderdale.

    So ladies, while I love the attention, please don't hold it against me. At least not that anyways. Just keep sending the nudie pics and I'll respond to them when my busy schedule allows.

    Monday, August 24, 2009

    Bonus Joke Day

    What's the difference between a flight attendant and a washing machine?

    After you dump your load in a washing machine, it won't follow you around for a week.

    Friday, August 21, 2009

    Joke Day

    I had to go to the urologist for the first time last week. I was really nervous about it, but it turned out that the doctor was this totally smoking hot chick.

    Almost as soon as she started her examination she jumped back and said, alarmed, "Okay, the first thing I can tell you is that you have got to stop masturbating."

    Astonished, I replied, "Why?" She said, "Because I'm standing RIGHT HERE."

    Saturday, June 27, 2009

    I'm a triathlete == I'm fat, slow, and self-aggrandizing

    Yes, I heard you say you have an ironman in August three times already; you can stop mentioning it now. I also deduced that you are a triathlete from your flabby waistline and gu gel remnants dripping down your chin, so you don't have to drop the word triathlon in every fourth sentence. Do you think that when I'm in uniform talking to other pilots that I have to mention that I am a douchebag pilot every fourth sentence?

    Seriously, when you are in the presence of other athletes, some of whom are much more accomplished than yourself, you can lay off the ego stroking just a bit.

    As for the rest of you, I'm glad you are doing your first irongirl, but is that how you'll define your life from this day forward? You haven't lost the weight yet you slobbering fat-ass. And yes, you look like a fat stupid whore with that biker bitch leather ponytail wrap on your tri bike.

    I know what you're thinking, what does "you haven't lost the weight yet" have to do with this? The only reason you are doing this triathlon is to lose that last 45 pounds, even if you are still lying to yourself about that fact... and I don't think you should count your chickens before they hatch.

    Am I calling you fat? Yes! Am I calling you antisocial because you are a triathlete? Yes! Why is it that you can't wave or nod to other riders when you pass on the street. Apparently, being a fatty, you missed the skinny athlete initiation where everyone learns the secret language of acknowledging other athletes. I've written extensively on how fat=stupid, but I didn't realize it was this extensive.

    I know you think you can't wave at other riders because of your dildo saddle and ballsack aerobar chin-rest, but normal decent human beings who don't take themselves to seriously are more than willing to at least make the slightest gesture to be friendly.

    And yes, my dear fat triathlete, everyone notices you speeding up to show how fast you are to the guy when approaching on that road bike head-on. Even if the road bike is a 20" children's bike, you are sure to try to impress them with your aerodynamic sprint from 14.5 mph to speeds appraching a whopping 15.7 mph while you are out on a routine training ride with your 808's. Wow, see how i didn't drop a manufacturers name and you still know what i'm talking about? Shockingly sly of me.... You should try it sometime.

    So anyway, add these things to your to-do list...

    4. Stop being a antisocial self-aggrandizing prick
    5. Stop trying to impress the people that support your sport, as though they know nothing about it.

    As for number 5, just because someone is in the bike shop at the same time as you is there with a road bike, doesn't mean they haven't broken 11 hours. So show a little humility and stop making asses of yourselves. One characteristic of a person lacking intelligence is their persistent inability to comprehend their own ignorance.

    Wednesday, June 17, 2009

    Sad News to pass along... :(

    I regret to pass on to everyone that our beloved Frank Cardia of finman fame was recently found dead in Bangkok. His body was discovered in his motel room closet, hanging from a makeshift rope of sausage links tied from his penis to his neck. It is unclear whether he committed suicide or not, if he died of suffocation after his ego deflated, or from heart failure due to chronic narcissism.

    This photograph from the scene was leaked by Thai media to discredit slowtwitch rumors that Frank might have been a healthy or decent human being who actually died from a compression garment wardrobe malfunction.

    We loved you Frank... How could you violate the sanctity of sausage like this? It just doesn't make any sense!

    Tuesday, June 16, 2009

    Summer Fashion Guide

    Push10G's is back to help you with your summer fashion faux pas.

    First, skinny is definitely in this summer. If you are trying to lose that last 35 pounds, fuck a healthy diet and just starve yourself by a thousand calories a day. If you have to binge, make sure you have your toothbrush with you so you can brush your teeth after you use the handle to purge. You can only purge about 80% of the calories you take in, so make sure you find a bathroom very promptly after eating.

    I've noticed that some of you are still fat and stupid enough to wear capri pants. There just is no excuse. Yes, I know you like your calves and remember how capri pants let you show them without exposing you cottage cheese thighs, but now that you are skinny you have to let go! It's a big paradigm shift for you, but now that you are skinny, your legs are hot. It will be hard the first time, but once you realize how many guys are trying to look up your shorts it will be an instant confidence builder and you will wonder why you ever took those ridiculous looking capri pants out of the closet on Memorial Day. Besides, the triple crown races are finished, the horse jockey look is done for the year. Unless your ass still looks like the horse's, then by all means keep that shit covered up. Or better yet, don't leave your house until you lose the weight.

    Next, you really need to change the way you think about clothes. Stop shopping at modest stores for fat women like Ann Taylor and start shopping where the hotties shop. Case in point, buy your next skirt at Hollister. They don't carry anything bigger than a size 4 (or at least they shouldn't) and none of their skirts are too long, so it's the perfect place to shop this summer. Make sure you wear flip flops if your skirt has ragged edges (yes, you could be my sexy college girl).

    Now here is a summer fashion tip that won't cost you anything. Spend some time in the sun and pick up some sexy tanlines. Few things are as simple and as hot as showing your natural complexion in small amounts. The greatest parts of tanlines is that if I trace them with my finger, they all eventually come together at your "naughty white bits." Don't stare at the picture too closely.

    When it comes to beachwear, nothing beats a bikini with wide stripes and and bows at the hips. Wow. Just like the tan lines, it's all about making a man's imagination work overtime... What if one of those knots accidentally came untied? It's such a timeless sexy look, sort like Audrey Hepburn in Two for the Road...a skinny woman with that kind of style will always be sexy (except for the jeans).

    Go ahead and throw away those loose fitting earth-tone and tie-died sundresses. Go with white or bright pastel colors instead of earthtones so you won't look like you're going to an organic farmers market in Asheville. Please? If you're going to walk around looking like a damn hippie, you'd might as well stop shaving your legs and armpits too.

    So you cut all your hair off when you got fat and started popping out babies...Now it's time to grow out your long blonde hair and go surfing to work on those sun streaks that look so sexy. It should hang just below your shoulder blades. The wavy look framing your face, after you let it down from having it braided while you were out surfing, is an inexpensive and unbeatable look that cannot be duplicated in a salon. Just think how much money you'll save.

    I've given you the basics, so you have no excuse for not looking sexy for me this summer. By July 4th I expect you all to be looking super-sexy-thin and anorexilicious for me. And if you are lucky, I'll do you from the front this time and I won't make you put the paper bag over your face.

    Monday, June 15, 2009

    'Sup Fatties?

    Let me apologize for my recent absence. A month long sex triathlon (Ultraman my chiseled white ass... I can show you fat fuckers a thing or two about endurance) left me tied to a bed with a couple of insatiable southern belles trying to test the limits of my manhood.

    But I have returned triumphantly with new uniform slacks from Express that even makes all the lesbian pilots I fly with leave snail trails over the custom tailored fabric covering my ripped quads. I can convert women in both directions apparently.

    Thursday, April 30, 2009

    Gym Grunting Etiquette

    Alright fatties, I need to teach you some discipline when it comes to making obnoxious noises at the gym:

    Grunting is only allowed when lifting free weights and one of the following conditions it met:
    (1.) When lifting your One Rep Max (or attempting to set a new one)
    (2.) When lifting the last rep of a set of at least 8 reps when there is no spotter and you might die if you don't get the barbell back onto the racks without an adrenaline burst
    (3.) If something in your body is damaged during the lift (eg. a testicle bursts, hernia erupts, or anus prolapses)

    You may only grunt once per gym visit, unless the second grunt is because you became injured during a subsequent lift (see #3 above).

    Thou shalt never grunt during a bench press unless you are pressing more than your body-weight.

    Now isn't that simple? Just keep the dumb shit to a minimum and put the weights back on the correct racks when you are done.

    Wednesday, April 29, 2009

    Hey fat dude at the gym

    Instead of trying to horde 6 pieces of equipment during the lunchtime rush so you can "superset" an entire circuit workout, try "super-setting" 5 sets of 10 A2G squats with an 1000 calorie hour on the treadmill and then another 1000 calorie hour on the elliptical trainer. Can you feel the pump now you fat fuck?

    So you lift weights?
    No, I just put them down.

    Tuesday, April 28, 2009

    Sing Along Day

    Sing along ladies! (and check out the hairless pussy at the end)

    Monday, April 27, 2009

    Benefits of a courtesy gap

    I've heard of legs that rub together when running, but I just saw legs that were completely stuck together while this fattie was running. It was almost like she had dripped half a jar of Smuckers jelly out of a 3 layer PB&J onto on her thighs and it glued everything together.

    You might ask why I went out looking for such a thing... I was doing legs at the gym yesterday, the only day I venture away from the free-weights, and the leg extension and prone leg curls were right in front of the treadmill this fattie was using. I didn't notice it right away, because instead of focusing on donuts and trying to figure out ways not to actually do work in the gym, I was intent on busting out 3x10 sets of the maximum weights these machines allow (literally, and this is after 5 sets of ass-to-grass squats). So I look up, and I end up eye-to-FUPA with this fat excuse for a woman.

    After I regained control of my gagging reflex, I (for the benefit of science) began watching the mechanics of her attempts to crush the treadmill jogging. There must be like a 20% loss of efficiency when you are running with the flab on your legs glued together. It's already stretched out, which is why she can walk/jog without falling over. I can't imagine what sort of smelly effects the heat dissipation from that motion must cause.

    But really, lay off the sticky sweets before you go running so your legs aren't stuck together like some sort of fucked-up mermaid. Besides, men don't like mermaids, we like "reverse mermaids"...

    Oh, and if you don't know what a FUPA is, check this out:

    Anyways, the whole point is, if you have a courtesy gap, no one will mistake you for a mermaid and you won't smell like half of a sweaty fish either.

    Sunday, April 26, 2009

    Glamour Magazine: Bathroom reading at the girlfriend's house

    The ladies at Glamour kind of have it right... turn to page 160 of the May issue. By all means, if you have a body like the illustration then you are welcome to indulge a little bit.

    Why do fat women say that magazines like this foster an unhealthy body image? All the girls in that magazine look pretty damn healthy to me!

    Thursday, April 23, 2009

    Wednesday, April 22, 2009

    Things you need to do today

    fat fingers to do list
    Lose weight, grow your hair down to the middle of your back, and get a tan. Next week you can send me pictures of your courtesy gap.

    Wednesday, April 15, 2009

    How deep is beauty?

    As the saying goes.... "Beauty is more than skin deep." While it' is very true, many people have a gross misunderstanding of this principle.

    Beauty is very deep. In fact, beauty penetrates all the way to the bones. These bones comprise a large percentage of a woman's beauty. What many women fail to understand however, is that fat is a very good insulator. While a very tiny bit of fat is necessary, when it exceeds about 14% in a woman it hides beauty just as well as a lead shield protects us from x-rays.

    Your beauty wants to radiate out from your bones... Why don't you let it shine?

    Tuesday, April 14, 2009

    Women have an expiration date

    but I thought you LOVED me???I've been saying that women have an expiration date for years, but I've never tried to quantify how, or come up with a unifying theory.... Here are a few ideas I've been mulling over:

    • The day she met you she decided when you should propose to her... When that date passes in her mind without a marriage proposal, she expires.
    • After a month of arguing that all women fake orgasms and that she's never had a real one with any penis, she finally has a breakthrough orgasm during sex. Women expire two weeks after that if you don't refrigerate them properly.
    • When they start crying uncontrollably because I banged a new-hire flight attendant on that 32 hour layover.
    • When a woman's weight gets over 118 pounds (for "the standard" 5'11" with long blonde hair)
    • When a woman starts having irregular periods it's a sure sign she's past her sell-by date and about to expire.
    • After the second time you see her crying.
    • When she starts to think that you want her for more than her body, and that I wouldn't mind if she put on a few pounds because "beauty is more than skin deep***."
    • When women start feeling that they are going to expire at 30 if they aren't married with children before then, it's like putting bananas into a plastic bag. They'll be ripe overnight and expire within a day or two.
    I'm open to any ideas anyone might have... It's a good thing that women are disposable, I'd hate to have a permanent one.

    (***more on that later)

    Thursday, April 2, 2009

    Who wants to be a fattie?

    Isn't bacon a vegetable? OMG which one do I choose?

    Stop being fat and stupid, you stupid fatties.

    Tuesday, March 31, 2009


    "Thin is good, but even thinner is perfection"

    As I was groping my girlfriend this afternoon I was paying special attention to her hip bones sticking out above her jeans. She asked me if I thought her bones were sexy... I said yes.

    Monday, March 30, 2009

    Damn Fatties

    m-dot fattieI was walking through the parking lot at the gym yesterday (that's something you fatties have never done, since your lazy ass drives around for 10 minutes until an upfront spot opens up) when I suddenly heard an enormous fattie guffawing about something. I turned to look and the fattie exclaimed to everyone within earshot:
    "Park a little closer why don't you! I guess these people don't want me to be able to get into my car!"
    My first thought was, yes, you fat bitch; you should be riding a bike or a broom to the gym instead of driving. But then I noticed that the compact car she was complaining about was parked dead center in it's own space, and our angry fat bitch's car was much closer to the white line. At that point, couldn't hold back my laughter and shot her a condescending look that probably burned 5 pounds of fat off of her enormous ass instantaneously. Her faced turned red and she squeezed her fat-ass through her car door with the agility of a fattie who is still waiting for the jiggling to stop 20 minutes after the end of Zumba! class.

    Yes, this fat bitch was parked one spot from the front door in spaces that are clearly marked for carpooling et al. Why do fat people have to be so stupid and lazy?

    Thursday, March 26, 2009

    Pick Up Your Copy Today

    As the Editor-In-Chief of Anorexilicous magazine, I'll personally autograph your copy if you let me take naked pictures of you for the next issue. Just don't tell my girlfriend.

    Nutrition for fatties

    This is all you get until you are under a 120 pounds and you have a courtesy gap that's as wide as my fist. Then you can stop taking the diet pills.

    Wednesday, March 25, 2009

    Muffin Top

    To the female fattie at the gym wearing black workout pants and the pink stretch top, I just wanted to say that you look like a chocolate cup cake with strawberry icing.

    I guess you really are what you eat.

    Sunday, March 22, 2009

    Cheer up fattie!

    Just remember that hunger pangs are the sign of fat leaving the body.

    Thursday, March 19, 2009

    Just the facts ma'am

    Remember Ladies, no one can call you anorexic until you've missed your period for at least 3 cycles....

    Here's the official finish line for anorexia:
    1. Refusal to maintain body weight at or above a minimally normal weight for age and height (e.g., weight loss leading to maintenance of body weight less than 85% of that expected; or failure to make expected weight gain during period of growth, leading to body weight less than 85% of that expected).
    2. Intense fear of gaining weight or becoming obese
    3. Disturbance in the way in which one's body weight or shape is experienced, undue influence of body weight or shape on self-evaluation, or denial of the seriousness of the current low body weight.
    4. The absence of at least three consecutive menstrual cycles (amenorrhea) in women who have had their first menstrual period but have not yet gone through menopause (postmenarcheal, premenopausal females).
    Considering the time it would take for the onset of amenorrhea, that's like half a year of getting skinny before you could be accused of being anorexic. Besides, no one has ever told me why women take those damn sugar pills every month anyway.

    Tuesday, March 17, 2009

    Ask Push10G's...

    Dear Push10G's, now that I've followed your weight loss program I don't fit in with my fat triathlon friends anymore! All they want to do is ride their bikes 7 miles to Burger King for a supersized 3000 calorie fattie meal. Triathletes are a horrible influence on staying skinny... what should I do??? -Yours Vaginally, -A Blonde Hottie.

    Every one in a thousand triathletes faces this dilemma. Now that you've started losing weight, you realize you don't fit in with all of you fat triathlon friends anymore. When you finish becoming a hottie, here is a list of sports that hotties do, for you to choose from. There is also a list of fattie sports to avoid.

    Sports with hotties:
    -pole vaulting
    -rock climbing
    -beach volleyball

    I personally suggest sports which involve warm weather, a bikini, and sweating.

    Sports with fatties:
    -hard-surface volleyball

    Now i realize that all you are a triathlete and you see running and biking on the skinny list, and swimming on the fattie list. Just accept it and let's avoid the argument. Pick one and be a competitive hottie. Now your goal isn't just to finish, it's to finish faster than everyone else.

    Monday, March 16, 2009

    joke day

    What do women and laxatives have in common?

    They both irritate the shit out of you.

    Shopping for clothes

    Since I moved from the business world to the airline industry, I've changed the way I dress. Obviously I now have the uniform that makes women throw themselves at me vagina first when I'm at the airport, but I have to take it off when i leave the airport to keep women from ripping it off.

    These days I shop at local surf shops, Hollister, PacSun or similar stores. It's much easier than shopping somewhere that carries Ralph Lauren or Nautica. (I don't care about fashion, I'm personally ok with just fitting into the 50th percentile). Why is it easier you ask? I only have to look at waist sizes, because everything is designed for people with the correct proportions. There aren't even that many waist sizes to look through, because there are no clothes for fat people. It's great. Plus I get those wanton stares from the high school girls when I walk through the local starbucks. I'm not suggesting one particular fashion style or anything homogenous looking. Quite the opposite. I just don't want to see any clothes over size 4 for women (but even those size 4 fatties need to whip themselves into shape eventually).

    So ladies, if you have a tough time finding clothes that you like, you just need to have the body of a hot 18 year old cheerleader. You should get on that right away.

    Saturday, March 14, 2009

    Why didn't my dance classes look like 00:40?

    Oh yeah, I was doing salsa... not ballet. That's all right though, I'm better with my hips.

    Friday, March 13, 2009

    A tale of two friends

    I fly around and meet skinny girls all over the country... nearly every skinny girl i meet has two friends, Ana and Mia. They are peculiar friends...Ana seems to have a lot of forethought, while Mia seems to be hung up on past regrets. The latter is a real bad girl... Hang out with her too much and you'll really get yourself into trouble.

    Twice the taste, no caloriesDo you know Ana and Mia? I might be able to arrange an introduction for you. You'll be in love with your new friends so much, you won't even notice that your old best friend, Aunt Flo, doesn't come to visit any more.

    Are diamonds a girls best friend? Sure as fuck not the ones I like.

    Thursday, March 12, 2009

    How can you respect a fattie?

    How can anyone respect a fattie? Seriously, is there anyone who is fat and bloated that you trust? Regardless of whether you listen to this guy (or agree with him), it looks like he eats babies to me. I should probably look for a non-political photo, but still, would you trust a fat gym coach, fat dietitian, or fat accountant? I hope not.

    I'm not arguing that the opposite might be true, so don't bitch at me for that.

    Today's thinspiration for the ladies

    "Nothing tastes as good as thin feels"

    Just keep reciting that in your mind as you do crunches on an empty stomach this morning...

    Wednesday, March 11, 2009

    big boned? my skinny white ass.

    skinny is hotNow that my girlfriend is out shopping for new jeans because I've got her fully trained to have an effective dietary consumption plan (some call it a "eating disorder" but I like to call it "better than normal"). She'll be looking anorexalicious in no time.

    It wasn't that long ago that she told me should could never be a size zero again because her bone structure was too big. Bullshit I say. A woman's pelvic bones don't just keep growing continuously (like beaver teeth) through her twenties and thirties, otherwise, no women would ever have narrow hips. Sure there is some flexibility for childbirth, but just packing on 75 pounds of lard doesn't make your the distance between the crests of your iliac grow 4 inches wider.

    you should work on your tan too!So about this big boned load of horse shit... Let's see. First. Can you see your hip bones distinctly protruding from your waistline? If the answer is no, and you think you are big boned, then you are lying to yourself. If you can't see your hip bones, what makes you think they are big? Seriously.

    Here's an analogy. Take a fat guy with a belly so big he hasn't seen his penis in years. Using your your logic, do you assume he obviously has a huge penis? What makes you think you have big bones, other than the fact that you weigh a lot? Accept that your logic is retarded, and we'll be off to a fresh start towards those size zero jeans.

    I'm not fat! I'm big boned!!!Ok, what if you not willing to accept that... Here is what an average woman's hips should look like (I'm being very generous). Nothing smoking hot or freakishly skinny. This woman has wider than perfect hips. I'm not lying to myself, some women can and some can't have the perfect figure. I bet she can still pull off a size two as is, and that zero if the really tried. Yes, I do realize that not everyone has the same bone-size proportions. Wide hips however, have nothing to do with "skinny." So if you want to use the term big boned, this lady in the purple bikini has big hip bones (and a courtesy gap, fyi).

    Come to think of it, the wider your hips are, the bigger your courtesy gap could potentially be!

    Tuesday, March 10, 2009

    Don't ask stupid questions...

    go ahead and cry... that's more water weight your losing!
    I have not eaten in days. Do you love me yet?

    Well babe, there is that little poof under your chin... Who's your friend over there? She's hot!

    Monday, March 9, 2009

    The soundtrack of skinny

    You know what I love more than a hot skinny girl?

    Lots of hot skinny girls!!!
    It's great, not a short-haired fattie in sight anywhere!

    "I like a girl who eats and...brings it up"

    Sunday, March 8, 2009

    How you stuff your face

    Who wants to be a fattie? Ok ok, I know most of you want to eat whatever you want, and that has taken a priority over being skinny. Sucks to be you. When you get your priorities in order and realize that being a fattie is for idiots and bacon, I've got a book for you to read: Advanced Sports Nutrition by Dan Benardot. Buy the book right now.

    When you get the book, read it (stay focussed, re-read paragraphs as necessary). A week later, read it again armed with 3 colors of highlighters and post-it note tabs. Two weeks later, read it a third time, focussing on the high points you noted the second time you read it. When will you find the time to read it 3 times you ask? Try skipping a few meals.

    I wish he had an entire chapter on ridding the world of fatties, but since he calls this "Advanced" I suppose you should go looking for that in a "basic" sports nutrition book. Instead you get a wealth of information on dietary intake for endurance and various metabolic pathways.

    Dan has two charts in this book which help visualize two simple ideas that I had never seen so clearly depicted before:

    Figure 12.2: Sharp Deviations in energy balance during the course of a day can affect body composition **Imagine how your caloric intake compares against your calories burned on an intra-day basis. Instead of only looking at the net result of the day (which would be zero if you are neither gaining nor losing mass), he depicts a graph for the full day.

    Figure 12.3: An individuals eating pattern has the potential to greatly affect body composition
    This graph shows three different possibilities for intra-day calorie balance. All three depict net results of zero (again, burning as much as you consume). I personally keep grazing through the day and never eat more than 400 calories at a time, so don't have any giant peaks into the danger zones. Going into the upper danger zones means you spend most of the day with too many big meals

    Note I said that both graphs show net caloric balances of zero in all cases. This means the day ends at zero in every situation. Now, if you are fat, this may be too complex to understand, but if you are a skinny person trapped in a fat body, you might have enough intelligence to see where I am going with this.

    Eating pattern 2 in figure 12.3 is what most of you fatties do on a daily basis (well, on the rare days that you don't gain weight... see below). You meals are too big for your bodies ability to use the calories right away. Since your body cannot really store carbs, it converts all that pasta to fat to be used later. The problem is, you never end the day on a negative caloric intake, so that level of fat is always increasing or staying the same.

    Eating pattern 3 in figure 12.3 is what you do on the days you think you are going to end up on a negative caloric intake.... You stay negative all day, breaking down muscles and fat, and then eat a huge meal at night that all gets stored as fat. Thus effectively having converted muscle to fat for the day

    Here is what your graph looked like yesterday:
    While you might have a base metabolic rate of 1500 calories a day, burned 500 calories in your morning run, and burned 2ooo calories when you rode your bike 100 miles, you ate so many candy bars that you had a net excess of 1500 calories for the day. This means you gained half a pound of stored fat. You fat fuck. Aren't you even embarrassed?

    Stick with something that looks like eating pattern #1 in Figure 12.3, but ending the day at negative 500. You'll lose a lot of fat, and only a little muscle. Cycle a few times and you'll be skinny in no time.

    [**From page 215 of Advanced Sports Nutrition by Dan Benardot, PhD, RD, FACSM]

    Saturday, March 7, 2009

    Today's thinspiration for the ladies

    Thin is magic. At a small size, all your dreams will come true. You will walk into a room & suddenly be admired

    Daylight Savings

    Tomorrow starts daylight savings time you fatties.

    Since there is one less hour in the day on Sunday, that means you need to cut your dietary intake by at least 4%...

    Why don't you just round that up to 50% less. Yeah...

    Wednesday, March 4, 2009

    Tuesday, March 3, 2009

    Core exercises

    Listen ladies... don't over do dumb shit you heard from other trainers... we want a skinny waistline, and all those extra "core" exercises are packing on muscle in the wrong places. Let me tell you what sorts of exercises you should really be doing:

    Make sure you get your arm and shoulder exercises to show some muscle tone when you where that strapless and backless little black dress. Nothing sexier than the area where a beautiful woman's neck, shoulders, and back meet. A little endurance there will certainly help with those long-lasting handjobs you should be giving me. Endurance swimming will give you the endurance and the resistance training and pool sprints will give you that burst of anerobic speed that can really get a guy over the edge.

    I mentioned the neck... it's hard to find neck machines anywhere but a rehabilitation center or pro football gym... but let's not forget how important those neck muscles are when your giving me a 15 minute blow job. It's a real bummer when you drop the pace at the last minute, so if nothing else, the best blowjob training is actually giving lots of blowjobs until you get good at it.

    At the risk of sounding like a broken record, please stop doing those fucking retarded hip adductor/abductor exercises. You should strive to be very flexible in the range of motion in your hips, but you don't need to have all those extra useless muscles taking up room in your precious courtesy gap (or making your hips look wider). Just stick with yoga and other resistance exercises that mimic wild sexual positions. Not only is it fun to watch you do them at the gym, but the real thing is that much better when you don't get a back cramp in the middle of a jack hammer.

    Squats. Ass-to-grass squats are the best exercise in the world. Nothing is better for overall conditioning. Not only is it a sexy to see a woman doing free weight squats, but it's getting you ready for some of the greatest reverse-cowgirl action you could imagine. Full-extension is important here. Keep the weight low in the beginning and get those glutes within an inch or two of your achilles when you are at the low point in the exercise. Not only are you getting a good quad, glute, and back exercise, but the stabilizer muscles from free squats will really help with your control to accidental penis damage during those cowgirl moves.

    Running. Coupled with eating next to nothing for a few weeks, nothing will get you sexier faster than running. The key is not eating. Get it? No GU, no Shot Blocks, and no simple carbs. I've got an extra oral protein injection waiting for you if you need any supplements.

    As i touched on earlier, the yoga positions that mimic sexual positions are a great way to increase flexibility. Some moves are diffictult to achieve without specific training, so make sure you read up or watch some "training videos" to get yourself prepared mentally and physically.

    Kegels. I can't speak highly enough of these. You can do them anytime (or all the time) and then throw in some standing exercises with a Kegel Training Bar or Ben-Wa Balls and you'll be up to spec within a very short time. If they aren't working for you, that tightening vaginoplasty is a great simple fix. I don't normally suggest surgery as an easy alternative to exercise, but if you don't have to bother with lubing up that seatpost, surgery might be your only viable option.

    One last point.... Make sure you keep good posture. Nothing is more sad looking that a would-be beautiful woman who is slouching with her hear and boobs down and shoulders forward. You don't want to look like Quasimoto, so keep your shoulders back, chin up, and tits perked up.

    Thursday, February 26, 2009

    Reverse Triathlon

    I've decided that normal triathlons are too painfully boring, so from now on, it's Reverse Triathlons only for me...

    That means anal, vaginal, then oral.

    Well then...

    I see you are a bad-ass...
    I too, am a bad-ass.

    What a great week off I've had.

    What you tards call the pre-season I call getting the beach-body into oiled and chiseled perfection. I don't do the latent homo crap like throwing a medicine ball at another guy in a near-trib position while doing opposing situps... but instead honing the tan and shaving off the 5 pounds of winter excess from periodization.

    It's tough to know when you've hit the perfect body, but it's somewhere between being a vein popping freak and being a mere mortal. The veins start to get freaky when they show up on top of the cum gutters. A good place to keep your bodyfat percentage is the zone between having those veins visible at all times and visible only after physical exertion. In other words, no weird veins before sex, but looking like a juiced up freak after sex.

    Women will tell you it's gross, but after sex, they just can't keep their fingers off those veins or out of the grooves.

    Friday, February 20, 2009

    Women give up too easily, an play in 3 acts

    I have never in my life met a woman who could do all the work, from start til finish.
    "Hey pretty lady, I climbed 3000 feet of vertical and overhanging granite today, ate virtually nothing all day, and then ran 18 miles back to camp... I was exhausted when I got home..."
    "That's sounds like fun, I'm glad you came to see me anyway. I want you."
    "Yeah babe.... I'm fatigued and exhausted; how about in the morning"
    "I want your tongue"
    "Well, that's about the only thing that has energy right now"
    "Ok sexy man, I'll do all the work"
    [2 minutes of blowjob]
    [1.5 minutes of reverse cowgirl]
    [1 minute of slowly and clumsily going from decent sex to flopping up and down on top of my already sore body]
    [30 seconds of decelerating grinding her clit against my pubic bone]
    [then an infinitely long stare]
    Ha. Well, she did at least get General Noms De Plume standing erect, so I'll toss her over a few various pieces of furniture and wear myself out so completely that if she pulls that post-sex talking crap again, I'll be asleep and she'll be talking to herself...

    You know, That first narrative strikes at the root cause of why real lesbians are such a turnoff... both are too lazy to get each other off without the use of a vibrator. I can imagine that conversation....
    "Who should be the man?"
    "I don't know"
    "Why don't you try it"
    "No way, I'm a lesbian because it's too difficult to face my shortcomings..."
    "Well I don't want to do it, I hate men because they only want the pussy..."
    "Maybe we should take turns?"
    "Well, I'm too lazy to wash my long beautiful hair, so I'll cut it off and be the ugly one."
    "Well, I'll be the fat one then"
    "Having our cats crawl all over us while we mutually masturbate is so kinky"
    And there you have it, ladies and gentlemen... Lesbian Bed Death Syndrome, or LBDS for short.


    Thursday, February 19, 2009

    Joke Day

    How long does it take the average woman to climax?

    Who Cares!

    Friday, February 13, 2009

    Top exercise for fatties

    So you want to look fat? Boy do I have an exercise for you...

    But then again, since you are already a fattie you probably already do this exercise every day.fatties love some hip adduction/abduction almost as much as In-N-Out burgers

    If you never want to have a courtesy gap and you want to keep your wide hips forever, why don't you head down to your local gym and do Hip Adduction/Abduction exercises. I'm sure you know what machine I'm talking about... You saw other fat bitches slobbering all over this useless machine so you decided to do yet another exercise which involves sitting down and spreading your legs.

    What a useless fucking exercise. All it does it makes your thunder thighs even wider. That means it makes your thighs rub together even more and makes your ass look wider in those bike shorts you outgrew a long time ago anyway.

    You should really practice your Kegels instead, by tying a 5 pound weight to your favorite dildo, insert it whilst standing up, and contract your PC muscles to keep it there for 30 second repititions, until failure.

    What a sexy sleek device they make for this purpose.

    If you think it is upside down in this picture, you need get a tightening vaginoplasty when you get your labia reduction surgery.

    Riding the cotton pony

    I helped the EMTs at a car wreck last night and got blood all over my arms and shirt. It looked like I murdered 20 people with a fork... anyway, I walked into a convenience store down the street and said my girlfriend needs a tampon. The guy at the counter was mortified.

    Wednesday, February 11, 2009

    Well Put.

    Q: What is love?

    A: The delusion that one woman differs from another.

    People who are almost as annoying as fatties in the gym

    Hollywood Lifter in ActionWhen I'm at the gym, sometimes I just can't help laughing... Usually it involves a fattie trying to operate a cybex machine or pedaling an elliptical so slowly that the machine won't stay on... but sometimes it's the guys working with free weights that really crack me up. Guys who come in with a buddy, do two sets of three benchpresses, fully assisted by their spotter because they racked up too much weight and then leave without doing another exercise. Seriously, who the fuck are you kidding. I just laugh... knowing that they will certainly be fat someday

    It's the ones who pull the Adonis shit in front of the mirror that usually get the most laughs from me. Seriously. I laugh at them in the gym. It reminds me of the greatest workout line ever:

    Excuse me, Can the rest of us use the mirror? "Excuse me, Can the rest of us use the mirror?"

    Now, I'm not quite as much of a man as Chris Kattan, so I can't take credit for being the first person to use that line. But oh, what a great line. Seriously, can't these meatheads wait until they get home to use their mom's full length mirror for their flexing and shadow-boxing session. Many of these douchebags also suffer from what is called ILS: Imaginary Lat Syndrome.

    I don't blame the mirrors... and even I find myself looking at myself occasionally, but I'm not over-the-top mentally masturbating at the sight of myself in the mirror. Nor do I lift up my shirt to look at my abs in the mirror every 5 minutes. I just do my workout, laugh at idiots, and go home.

    Since I can't take time out of my workout to laugh at every single idiot, face to face, I've come up with my next million dollar idea. Screen print my insults onto the back of my gym shirts... Here's the first run:
    • I'm too weak to rip my sleeves off... Could you spot me?

    • You sure are lumpy... Is it the creatine or just weird fat deposits

    • Do you mind if i work-in on your mirror?
    • Can you teach me to grunt like that?

    • How many extra pounds can you lift when you do that scream-like-a-girl thing?

    • Where did your neck go? Do the ladies find that sexy?

    • Nice Biceps... those guns really accent how puny the rest of your body looks.

    • I bet your imaginary girlfriend doesn't know what full extension is either.
    I'm open to suggestions, as have more important thing to do... like insulting fatties instead of picking on the meatheads.

    Tuesday, February 10, 2009

    Walking along the beach in soft focus

    I have a peculiar effect on women. I'm not talking about making women wet, having them mentally undress me, or having them stare at me with an evil smirk or a wink... but something much more physiological. Virtually every woman I meet is cognitive of at least two of those within any given glance, but this is much more disturbing.

    For the sake of this, let's divide all women into four groups:
    • Women that I do not want to have sex with
    • Women with whom I intermittently have sex with, but no emotional attachment
    • Women with whom I have a sexual and emotional relationship
    • Women who have not yet had the opportunity to have sex with me
    That is a pretty all-inclusive list, but for the sake of this subject, I don't care enough about the first two groups to give a shit one way or the other. My observational powers and ability to predict women's futures have yet to care enough to apply this observation to the last category of women. Anyway, we are just going to focus on the group of women with whom I have or have had a sexual and emotional relationship with. You might call it dating (in the past or currently), but I reject that label.

    Here's the problem. Women I'm screwing (emotionally and physically) tend to bleed a lot. It's not because I stab them (as with a knife) or they cut themselves (gotta love the ex with the razor blade addiction), but apparently it's because of my 10 inch cock. I can only assume it's the length of my 10 inch cock, and not the girth, because this is coming from deep inside.

    That's right, were talking about the crimson tide. Not the movie folks, at least, not the major motion picture anyways. At first I thought that i was just tickling their cervixes a little too much, but then it was explained to me that the hysterectomy uterus is not just a blood filled balloon waiting to squeeze out its contents at the slightest tickle of the cervix.

    So apparently my magical 10 inch cock is poking its evil head into the cervix, and undulating around like a psychotic french whisk, and stirring up a lot of trouble in paradise. Apparently it's a fun ride, but my technique long ago surpassed the need to concern myself with the four types of orgasms that women have (spontaneous, clitoral, vaginal, and cervical if you were wondering).

    So this seems to be my cross to bear. If I stick around long enough to care about a woman, she starts bleeding all over me. It really got annoying about 3 years ago, and now it's just bitter irony (bitter like the metallic taste of iron). Should I feel bad for my lesbian ex's new girlfriend?

    So I think I'm going to have to start using a drill stop to curb all these bloody messes I find myself in. Like I say... Sometimes it's hard being a pilot. Sometimes it's really hard.

    Negative Reinforcement

    Since I've become a personal trainer, I have found that women don't respond well to positive reinforcement from a guy like me. If I use positive comments I get incredulous looks and comments like "will it be ok if i never have a body like yours?" No. It's not ok to be a fattie or settle for less than skinny and hawt.

    So here is a list of my top motivators... I'm going to throw you all of these at once, so try not to let your head explode with the desire to go lose weight and tone up:
    • You really have a classic postpartum body.
    • Abs are made in the kitchen... yours look like they were made in the Ben and Jerry's kitchen.

    • I would totally recommend you sign up for more than three months. We have a lot of work to do.

    • We're going to get you looking so hot, you'll be at the bars again picking up guys like me.

    • How can you expect to make progress if you skip the exercises you don't enjoy? It's friggin' obvious you haven't been doing your Kegel exercises.

    • How old is your baby again? Oh... wow. Well, it's never too late to start training. I'm glad you called.

    • Your a triathlete? Really? wow. I guess the swimming part must be easy for you.

    • Now don't go getting pregnant just when we're reaching your fitness goals.

    • You probably already have a washboard stomach.. you just have some laundry to take care of. Why don't you run over to my house and do mine... You need the exercise.

    • Have you thought about having that extra skin removed?

    • Fibromyalgia doesn't really exist... that's what old fatties use as an excuse for being an old fattie in need of a hysterectomy. Well, it's a term used to describe a psychosomatic set of symptoms. It is your body's way of telling you to harden the fuck up.

    • Wow, I haven't seen anyone as fat or as lazy as you in a long time.
    Sorry Ladies, I'm not accepting any new clients at the moment.

    Monday, February 9, 2009

    Always the same damn story...

    Women ask for it...
    they act all old and mature and then you stick your cock up their ass and they get all bitchy...
    "I"M ONLY 13, I'M ONLY 13!!!

    Sunday, February 8, 2009


    I was laying next to my number one girlfriend last night and I had my hand up her shirt. Not grabbing her boobs as you might expect (if you didn't know me), but instead I was gently pinching each rib. Sounds kinky doesn't it?

    I was giving her the Push10G's official bodyfat test. My fingers are actually finely calibrated bodyfat calipers. I moved down each rib until I got to her love handles.

    Now what else would I do... I mean I love this woman, but...


    Hell hath no fury like a woman who has just had her love handles measured and documented. I'll just let her fume for a while until she's ready for some calorie-burning make up sex. Maybe I won't "accidentally" stick it in her pooper this time.

    Friday, February 6, 2009


    For any of you who have ever even tried rock climbing or losing weight to do better in a competition:

    Don't wait until the day before/of to optimize your power to weight ratio. Though I do have an appreciation for the skinny girls that excuse themselves from a dinner-date to go purge. As long as they carry breath mints with them, anyways.