First, skinny is definitely in this summer. If you are trying to lose that last 35 pounds, fuck a healthy diet and just starve yourself by a thousand calories a day. If you have to binge, make sure you have your toothbrush with you so you can brush your teeth after you use the handle to purge. You can only purge about 80% of the calories you take in, so make sure you find a bathroom very promptly after eating.I've noticed that some of you are still fat and stupid enough to wear capri pants. There just is no excuse. Yes, I know you like your calves and remember how capri
pants let you show them without exposing you cottage cheese thighs, but now that you are skinny you have to let go! It's a big paradigm shift for you, but now that you are skinny, your legs are hot. It will be hard the first time, but once you realize how many guys are trying to look up your shorts it will be an instant confidence builder and you will wonder why you ever took those ridiculous looking capri pants out of the closet on Memorial Day. Besides, the triple crown races are finished, the horse jockey look is done for the year. Unless your ass still looks like the horse's, then by all means keep that shit covered up. Or better yet, don't leave your house until you lose the weight.
Next, you really need to change the way you think about clothes. Stop shopping at modest stores for fat women like Ann Taylor and start shopping where the hotties shop. Case in point, buy your next skirt at Hollister. They don't carry anything bigger than a size 4 (or at least they shouldn't) and none of their skirts are too long, so it's the perfect place to shop this summer. Make sure you wear flip flops if your skirt has ragged edges (yes, you could be my sexy college girl).
Now here is a summer fashion tip that won't cost you anything. Spend some time in the sun and pick up some sexy tanlines. Few things are as simple and as hot as showing your natural complexion in small amounts. The greatest parts of tanlines is that if I trace them with my finger, they all eventually come together at your "naughty white bits." Don't stare at the picture too closely.
When it comes to beachwear, nothing beats a bikini with wide stripes and and bows at the hips. Wow. Just like the tan lines, it's all about making a man's imagination work overtime... What if one of those knots accidentally came untied? It's such a timeless sexy look, sort like Audrey Hepburn in Two for the Road...a skinny woman with that kind of style will always be sexy (except for the jeans).
Go ahead and throw away those loose fitting earth-tone and tie-died sundresses. Go with white or bright pastel colors instead of earthtones so you won't look like you're going to an organic farmers market in Asheville. Please? If you're going to walk around looking like a damn hippie, you'd might as well stop shaving your legs and armpits too.
So you cut all your hair off when you got fat and started popping out babies...Now it's time to grow out your long blonde hair and go surfing to work on those sun streaks that look so sexy. It should hang just below your shoulder blades. The wavy look framing your face, after you let it down from having it braided while you were out surfing, is an inexpensive and unbeatable look that cannot be duplicated in a salon. Just think how much money you'll save.I've given you the basics, so you have no excuse for not looking sexy for me this summer. By July 4th I expect you all to be looking super-sexy-thin and anorexilicious for me. And if you are lucky, I'll do you from the front this time and I won't make you put the paper bag over your face.
No comments:
Post a Comment