Misogyny is my middle name

Serving my glorious country as an airline pilot gives me plenty of time to pontificate on how happy i am to have testicles. I really enjoy walking through the world's busiest airports and winking at the beautiful women who want to throw themselves at me, vagina first. It does wonders for my ego.

I think there are just as many women in this world as men who just want to get fucked, no strings attached. You know, that's great. Good for them, I'm glad that women have the right to do it. Just not the fattie mcfatfucks. Why can't their labia be as sticky as their fat fingers (from the 12 damn packs of GU gels they ate during their Iron Girl 5K) so perhaps it would seal itself shut and protect the rest of us from their viral fat infection.

And for fuck's sake, If you are the first woman to cross the finish line at a respectable event, isn't it demeaning to have to announcer say that you are followed by "some male age grouper." Hahaha. Stop rolling across the line as slowly as possible so he doesn't have to stand behind you waiting so awkwardly. The first woman to cross the finish line is the first female loser. It's not about finishing. Second place is the first loser.

And ladies, in the event of a water landing, my body can be used as a flotation device... but only in salt water. I sink like a brick in fresh water. I can hold my breath for about 3 minutes however...and probably longer if i wanted to.