Don't forget to lose 60 pounds first.

Then lose twenty more, as long as you end up less than 120 pounds, you'll do.

Joke Day

What is the definition of making love?

Something your girlfriend does while you are fucking her.

In Northern Virginia, the muffin tops eat you...

Fattie says what.

Compute your ideal body weight here:

http://www.nerdbucket.com/entertain/anorexia_bulimia_calculator/you_are_too_fat.php

Finally, a BMI calculator with Push10G's seal of approval. Be sure to experiment with both formulas to hone in on your ideal weight.

Joke Day!

What is the #1 side effect of Anorexia?

500 chumps standing around you telling you how HOT you are.




What has 8 legs and scares women?

Gang Rape!

Fatties must pay!

http://consumerist.com/2010/01/whole-foods-finds-way-to-make-overweight-folk-feel-even-more-self-conscious.html

This is just awesome... I think a food tax for fatties is a great idea! Here's another idea, make fatties pay a cover charge to walk into grocery stores or restaurants. Ugly people have to pay cover charges at the bar, so just extend the idea a bit. It's for their own good.

WTF?

I must be getting old... when the fuck did they start letting girls over 130lbs into plastic sororities?

http://fashionista.com/2010/01/pi_phi_votes_tory_burch_not_do.php?

Have some sense of decency ladies, who cares what a fat chick is wearing?

Cycling is too boring

How to make road cycling more interesting:

Slalom gates at random intervals that are wide enough for one, two, or three cyclists. (each gate would be different, but never more than three abreast)

Shoulder blocking is legal

Drifting: 180 degree turns (not a hairpin) in a time trial that would make a fixie riders approve. A tight enough area for this would leave barely enough room for a 180 degree sliding stop.

Rumblestrips that are more like fuck-you-up strips if you don't at least try to pop the front wheel up or bunny hop them

Legal for the race leader to dump oil in the curves

Sand Bunkers: the entire width of the road is a sandbox, except for a 6" wide bridge throught the middle


Some of these would benefit those who get the lead early and try to keep it. The peloton would be 10 minutes between the front and back, instead of one homogenous mass of pussies. Best of all, it would make cycling less fucking boring.

It's as easy as 1-2-3!

I don't get it... All a woman needs to do is be skinny, let her hair grow to the bottom of her shoulder blades, and shower/shampoo twice a day... What is so hard about that?

words of wisdom

Accidents don't kill people... accidents make people.

Take that out on your friday night with the flight attendants.

Bunny Boilers

All of you crazy stalker chicks are something else...

One of you had a mind-blowing revelation earlier today when I described to you how my phone does _not_ show 45 missed calls when it is turned off during all those calls... The only way I would've known that you called, under such circumstances, would be if you left a message. If my phone went straight to voicemail and you just hung up, then there is no magic stalker alert from Verizon Wireless that lets me know you called every 5 minutes while I was at 41,000' on my way to Ft Lauderdale.

So ladies, while I love the attention, please don't hold it against me. At least not that anyways. Just keep sending the nudie pics and I'll respond to them when my busy schedule allows.

Bonus Joke Day

What's the difference between a flight attendant and a washing machine?

After you dump your load in a washing machine, it won't follow you around for a week.

Joke Day

I had to go to the urologist for the first time last week. I was really nervous about it, but it turned out that the doctor was this totally smoking hot chick.

Almost as soon as she started her examination she jumped back and said, alarmed, "Okay, the first thing I can tell you is that you have got to stop masturbating."

Astonished, I replied, "Why?" She said, "Because I'm standing RIGHT HERE."

I'm a triathlete == I'm fat, slow, and self-aggrandizing

Yes, I heard you say you have an ironman in August three times already; you can stop mentioning it now. I also deduced that you are a triathlete from your flabby waistline and gu gel remnants dripping down your chin, so you don't have to drop the word triathlon in every fourth sentence. Do you think that when I'm in uniform talking to other pilots that I have to mention that I am a douchebag pilot every fourth sentence?

Seriously, when you are in the presence of other athletes, some of whom are much more accomplished than yourself, you can lay off the ego stroking just a bit.

As for the rest of you, I'm glad you are doing your first irongirl, but is that how you'll define your life from this day forward? You haven't lost the weight yet you slobbering fat-ass. And yes, you look like a fat stupid whore with that biker bitch leather ponytail wrap on your tri bike.

I know what you're thinking, what does "you haven't lost the weight yet" have to do with this? The only reason you are doing this triathlon is to lose that last 45 pounds, even if you are still lying to yourself about that fact... and I don't think you should count your chickens before they hatch.

Am I calling you fat? Yes! Am I calling you antisocial because you are a triathlete? Yes! Why is it that you can't wave or nod to other riders when you pass on the street. Apparently, being a fatty, you missed the skinny athlete initiation where everyone learns the secret language of acknowledging other athletes. I've written extensively on how fat=stupid, but I didn't realize it was this extensive.

I know you think you can't wave at other riders because of your dildo saddle and ballsack aerobar chin-rest, but normal decent human beings who don't take themselves to seriously are more than willing to at least make the slightest gesture to be friendly.

And yes, my dear fat triathlete, everyone notices you speeding up to show how fast you are to the guy when approaching on that road bike head-on. Even if the road bike is a 20" children's bike, you are sure to try to impress them with your aerodynamic sprint from 14.5 mph to speeds appraching a whopping 15.7 mph while you are out on a routine training ride with your 808's. Wow, see how i didn't drop a manufacturers name and you still know what i'm talking about? Shockingly sly of me.... You should try it sometime.

So anyway, add these things to your to-do list...

4. Stop being a antisocial self-aggrandizing prick
5. Stop trying to impress the people that support your sport, as though they know nothing about it.

As for number 5, just because someone is in the bike shop at the same time as you is there with a road bike, doesn't mean they haven't broken 11 hours. So show a little humility and stop making asses of yourselves. One characteristic of a person lacking intelligence is their persistent inability to comprehend their own ignorance.

Joke Day

Bigamy is one wife too many.

So is monogamy.