Things you need to do today

Lose weight, grow your hair down to the middle of your back, and get a tan. Next week you can send me pictures of your courtesy gap.

Damn Fatties

I was walking through the parking lot at the gym yesterday (that's something you fatties have never done, since your lazy ass drives around for 10 minutes until an upfront spot opens up) when I suddenly heard an enormous fattie guffawing about something. I turned to look and the fattie exclaimed to everyone within earshot:

"Park a little closer why don't you! I guess these people don't want me to be able to get into my car!"

My first thought was, yes, you fat bitch; you should be riding a bike or a broom to the gym instead of driving. But then I noticed that the compact car she was complaining about was parked dead center in it's own space, and our angry fat bitch's car was much closer to the white line. At that point, couldn't hold back my laughter and shot her a condescending look that probably burned 5 pounds of fat off of her enormous ass instantaneously. Her faced turned red and she squeezed her fat-ass through her car door with the agility of a fattie who is still waiting for the jiggling to stop 20 minutes after the end of Zumba! class.

Yes, this fat bitch was parked one spot from the front door in spaces that are clearly marked for carpooling et al. Why do fat people have to be so stupid and lazy?

Muffin Top

To the female fattie at the gym wearing black workout pants and the pink stretch top, I just wanted to say that you look like a chocolate cup cake with strawberry icing.

I guess you really are what you eat.

Just the facts ma'am

Remember Ladies, no one can call you anorexic until you've missed your period for at least 3 cycles....

Here's the official finish line for anorexia:

1. Refusal to maintain body weight at or above a minimally normal weight for age and height (e.g., weight loss leading to maintenance of body weight less than 85% of that expected; or failure to make expected weight gain during period of growth, leading to body weight less than 85% of that expected).
2. Intense fear of gaining weight or becoming obese
3. Disturbance in the way in which one's body weight or shape is experienced, undue influence of body weight or shape on self-evaluation, or denial of the seriousness of the current low body weight.
4. The absence of at least three consecutive menstrual cycles (amenorrhea) in women who have had their first menstrual period but have not yet gone through menopause (postmenarcheal, premenopausal females).

Considering the time it would take for the onset of amenorrhea, that's like half a year of getting skinny before you could be accused of being anorexic. Besides, no one has ever told me why women take those damn sugar pills every month anyway.

How you stuff your face

Who wants to be a fattie? Ok ok, I know most of you want to eat whatever you want, and that has taken a priority over being skinny. Sucks to be you. When you get your priorities in order and realize that being a fattie is for idiots and bacon, I've got a book for you to read: Advanced Sports Nutrition by Dan Benardot. Buy the book right now.

When you get the book, read it (stay focussed, re-read paragraphs as necessary). A week later, read it again armed with 3 colors of highlighters and post-it note tabs. Two weeks later, read it a third time, focussing on the high points you noted the second time you read it. When will you find the time to read it 3 times you ask? Try skipping a few meals.

I wish he had an entire chapter on ridding the world of fatties, but since he calls this "Advanced" I suppose you should go looking for that in a "basic" sports nutrition book. Instead you get a wealth of information on dietary intake for endurance and various metabolic pathways.

Dan has two charts in this book which help visualize two simple ideas that I had never seen so clearly depicted before:

Figure 12.2: Sharp Deviations in energy balance during the course of a day can affect body composition **Imagine how your caloric intake compares against your calories burned on an intra-day basis. Instead of only looking at the net result of the day (which would be zero if you are neither gaining nor losing mass), he depicts a graph for the full day.

Figure 12.3: An individuals eating pattern has the potential to greatly affect body composition**
This graph shows three different possibilities for intra-day calorie balance. All three depict net results of zero (again, burning as much as you consume). I personally keep grazing through the day and never eat more than 400 calories at a time, so don't have any giant peaks into the danger zones. Going into the upper danger zones means you spend most of the day with too many big meals

Note I said that both graphs show net caloric balances of zero in all cases. This means the day ends at zero in every situation. Now, if you are fat, this may be too complex to understand, but if you are a skinny person trapped in a fat body, you might have enough intelligence to see where I am going with this.

Eating pattern 2 in figure 12.3 is what most of you fatties do on a daily basis (well, on the rare days that you don't gain weight... see below). You meals are too big for your bodies ability to use the calories right away. Since your body cannot really store carbs, it converts all that pasta to fat to be used later. The problem is, you never end the day on a negative caloric intake, so that level of fat is always increasing or staying the same.

Eating pattern 3 in figure 12.3 is what you do on the days you think you are going to end up on a negative caloric intake.... You stay negative all day, breaking down muscles and fat, and then eat a huge meal at night that all gets stored as fat. Thus effectively having converted muscle to fat for the day

Here is what your graph looked like yesterday:
While you might have a base metabolic rate of 1500 calories a day, burned 500 calories in your morning run, and burned 2ooo calories when you rode your bike 100 miles, you ate so many candy bars that you had a net excess of 1500 calories for the day. This means you gained half a pound of stored fat. You fat fuck. Aren't you even embarrassed?

Stick with something that looks like eating pattern #1 in Figure 12.3, but ending the day at negative 500. You'll lose a lot of fat, and only a little muscle. Cycle a few times and you'll be skinny in no time.


[**From page 215 of Advanced Sports Nutrition by Dan Benardot, PhD, RD, FACSM]

Negative Reinforcement

Since I've become a personal trainer, I have found that women don't respond well to positive reinforcement from a guy like me. If I use positive comments I get incredulous looks and comments like "will it be ok if i never have a body like yours?" No. It's not ok to be a fattie or settle for less than skinny and hawt.

So here is a list of my top motivators... I'm going to throw you all of these at once, so try not to let your head explode with the desire to go lose weight and tone up:

• You really have a classic postpartum body.

• Abs are made in the kitchen... yours look like they were made in the Ben and Jerry's kitchen.
  
  
• I would totally recommend you sign up for more than three months. We have a lot of work to do.
  
  
• We're going to get you looking so hot, you'll be at the bars again picking up guys like me.
  
  
• How can you expect to make progress if you skip the exercises you don't enjoy? It's friggin' obvious you haven't been doing your Kegel exercises.
  
  
• How old is your baby again? Oh... wow. Well, it's never too late to start training. I'm glad you called.
  
  
• Your a triathlete? Really? wow. I guess the swimming part must be easy for you.
  
  
• Now don't go getting pregnant just when we're reaching your fitness goals.
  
  
• You probably already have a washboard stomach.. you just have some laundry to take care of. Why don't you run over to my house and do mine... You need the exercise.
  
  
• Have you thought about having that extra skin removed?
  
  
• Fibromyalgia doesn't really exist... that's what old fatties use as an excuse for being an old fattie in need of a hysterectomy. Well, it's a term used to describe a psychosomatic set of symptoms. It is your body's way of telling you to harden the fuck up.
  
  
• Wow, I haven't seen anyone as fat or as lazy as you in a long time.

Sorry Ladies, I'm not accepting any new clients at the moment.

FACT: Fat People Are Stupid

I was perusing the book on infectious fattieism, and I happened upon this tasty zero calorie fat free morsel of modern science.

http://www.neurology.org/cgi/content/abstract/67/7/1208

I realize that as a fattie, you are too busy walking slowly through some busy airport terminal and getting in my way to read this, so let me summarize it for you. It is a scientific observation that fat people are dumb.

The study uses terms like BMI and Cognitive Function that are far beyond your bacon fat encrusted brain's ability to comprehend, so just remember... fat people are stupid.

And stop trying to kill that fat guy named Gene. He isn't responsible for your fatness or your stupidity. Oh wait, he's fat too... go ahead and get rid of him.

Sufferers of Obesity

Fat people is stoopid

I've been doing research on how fat effects the brain. I am trying to understand why fat people are idiots. Is it causation or correlation. I mean, are they fat because they are retarded, or does being fat make them stupid?

I realize that fat people all have low IQ's, but which is the cause and which is a symptom? Simple deduction tells me that since all fat people are stupid, but not all stupid people are fat (and conversely, some skinny people are stupid), it must be varying degrees of stupidity. I'm going to go out on an unscientific limb here, and say that people with a sub 80 IQ are the fatties and people with IQ's between 80 and 100 are the skinny idiots.

EUREKA!!! I'll be damned folks! There is no fat gene, but there is definitely a stupid gene... ALL FAT PEOPLE ARE GENETICALLY PREDISPOSED TO BE IDIOTS. Which is of course, explains why they seem to think there is a fat gene... they are just to dumb to understand their own situation.

In the pussy half of the gym I work out in (that's the half that doesn't have free-weights, chin-up bars, or tricep dip bars), the machines are Cybex Eagles. You probably don't know much about them, but believe me, anyone with an IQ over 80 could figure out that you adjust the seat height while your are sitting in the machine. They have spring loaded dampers and easy to reach handles that allow you to easily adjust the seat position (eg, if you pulled the handle while standing next to the machine, the relatively strong spring would raise the seat).

Well, fat fucks can't figure this out. I have never ever seen a skinny person trying to move the handle one way while trying to push down on the seat with their other hand. Fatties on the other hand fuck it up everytime and I just laugh. I like it when they really get frustrated and start shaking their head, which makes their double chin jowels jiggle.

FATTIE frequently asked questions:

Are fat people intelligent enough to be sentient? My research indicates that the group is centered across the threshold of sentience. Only about 50% of the fat idiots in the world look in a mirror and realize they are fat. The rest just paw at the mirror like a cat and make farting noises.

Why do only fat people think there is a fat gene? Well, no fatty in the history of modern medicine has been intellectually capable of understanding genetics, so they demonize things they don't understand. They beat all of the fat guys named Gene to death with turkey drumsticks, so now it's some sort of abstract idea that there is one more fat Gene left to beat.

Why do fatties take "dance" class at a gym instead of a ballroom? Normal ballrooms aren't designed to handle that kind of weight.... it would warp the hardwood floors.