Nutrition for fatties

This is all you get until you are under a 120 pounds and you have a courtesy gap that's as wide as my fist. Then you can stop taking the diet pills.

Today's thinspiration for the ladies

"Nothing tastes as good as thin feels"

Just keep reciting that in your mind as you do crunches on an empty stomach this morning...

How you stuff your face

Who wants to be a fattie? Ok ok, I know most of you want to eat whatever you want, and that has taken a priority over being skinny. Sucks to be you. When you get your priorities in order and realize that being a fattie is for idiots and bacon, I've got a book for you to read: Advanced Sports Nutrition by Dan Benardot. Buy the book right now.

When you get the book, read it (stay focussed, re-read paragraphs as necessary). A week later, read it again armed with 3 colors of highlighters and post-it note tabs. Two weeks later, read it a third time, focussing on the high points you noted the second time you read it. When will you find the time to read it 3 times you ask? Try skipping a few meals.

I wish he had an entire chapter on ridding the world of fatties, but since he calls this "Advanced" I suppose you should go looking for that in a "basic" sports nutrition book. Instead you get a wealth of information on dietary intake for endurance and various metabolic pathways.

Dan has two charts in this book which help visualize two simple ideas that I had never seen so clearly depicted before:

Figure 12.2: Sharp Deviations in energy balance during the course of a day can affect body composition **Imagine how your caloric intake compares against your calories burned on an intra-day basis. Instead of only looking at the net result of the day (which would be zero if you are neither gaining nor losing mass), he depicts a graph for the full day.

Figure 12.3: An individuals eating pattern has the potential to greatly affect body composition**
This graph shows three different possibilities for intra-day calorie balance. All three depict net results of zero (again, burning as much as you consume). I personally keep grazing through the day and never eat more than 400 calories at a time, so don't have any giant peaks into the danger zones. Going into the upper danger zones means you spend most of the day with too many big meals

Note I said that both graphs show net caloric balances of zero in all cases. This means the day ends at zero in every situation. Now, if you are fat, this may be too complex to understand, but if you are a skinny person trapped in a fat body, you might have enough intelligence to see where I am going with this.

Eating pattern 2 in figure 12.3 is what most of you fatties do on a daily basis (well, on the rare days that you don't gain weight... see below). You meals are too big for your bodies ability to use the calories right away. Since your body cannot really store carbs, it converts all that pasta to fat to be used later. The problem is, you never end the day on a negative caloric intake, so that level of fat is always increasing or staying the same.

Eating pattern 3 in figure 12.3 is what you do on the days you think you are going to end up on a negative caloric intake.... You stay negative all day, breaking down muscles and fat, and then eat a huge meal at night that all gets stored as fat. Thus effectively having converted muscle to fat for the day

Here is what your graph looked like yesterday:
While you might have a base metabolic rate of 1500 calories a day, burned 500 calories in your morning run, and burned 2ooo calories when you rode your bike 100 miles, you ate so many candy bars that you had a net excess of 1500 calories for the day. This means you gained half a pound of stored fat. You fat fuck. Aren't you even embarrassed?

Stick with something that looks like eating pattern #1 in Figure 12.3, but ending the day at negative 500. You'll lose a lot of fat, and only a little muscle. Cycle a few times and you'll be skinny in no time.


[**From page 215 of Advanced Sports Nutrition by Dan Benardot, PhD, RD, FACSM]

Core exercises

Listen ladies... don't over do dumb shit you heard from other trainers... we want a skinny waistline, and all those extra "core" exercises are packing on muscle in the wrong places. Let me tell you what sorts of exercises you should really be doing:

Make sure you get your arm and shoulder exercises to show some muscle tone when you where that strapless and backless little black dress. Nothing sexier than the area where a beautiful woman's neck, shoulders, and back meet. A little endurance there will certainly help with those long-lasting handjobs you should be giving me. Endurance swimming will give you the endurance and the resistance training and pool sprints will give you that burst of anerobic speed that can really get a guy over the edge.

I mentioned the neck... it's hard to find neck machines anywhere but a rehabilitation center or pro football gym... but let's not forget how important those neck muscles are when your giving me a 15 minute blow job. It's a real bummer when you drop the pace at the last minute, so if nothing else, the best blowjob training is actually giving lots of blowjobs until you get good at it.

At the risk of sounding like a broken record, please stop doing those fucking retarded hip adductor/abductor exercises. You should strive to be very flexible in the range of motion in your hips, but you don't need to have all those extra useless muscles taking up room in your precious courtesy gap (or making your hips look wider). Just stick with yoga and other resistance exercises that mimic wild sexual positions. Not only is it fun to watch you do them at the gym, but the real thing is that much better when you don't get a back cramp in the middle of a jack hammer.

Squats. Ass-to-grass squats are the best exercise in the world. Nothing is better for overall conditioning. Not only is it a sexy to see a woman doing free weight squats, but it's getting you ready for some of the greatest reverse-cowgirl action you could imagine. Full-extension is important here. Keep the weight low in the beginning and get those glutes within an inch or two of your achilles when you are at the low point in the exercise. Not only are you getting a good quad, glute, and back exercise, but the stabilizer muscles from free squats will really help with your control to accidental penis damage during those cowgirl moves.

Running. Coupled with eating next to nothing for a few weeks, nothing will get you sexier faster than running. The key is not eating. Get it? No GU, no Shot Blocks, and no simple carbs. I've got an extra oral protein injection waiting for you if you need any supplements.

As i touched on earlier, the yoga positions that mimic sexual positions are a great way to increase flexibility. Some moves are diffictult to achieve without specific training, so make sure you read up or watch some "training videos" to get yourself prepared mentally and physically.

Kegels. I can't speak highly enough of these. You can do them anytime (or all the time) and then throw in some standing exercises with a Kegel Training Bar or Ben-Wa Balls and you'll be up to spec within a very short time. If they aren't working for you, that tightening vaginoplasty is a great simple fix. I don't normally suggest surgery as an easy alternative to exercise, but if you don't have to bother with lubing up that seatpost, surgery might be your only viable option.

One last point.... Make sure you keep good posture. Nothing is more sad looking that a would-be beautiful woman who is slouching with her hear and boobs down and shoulders forward. You don't want to look like Quasimoto, so keep your shoulders back, chin up, and tits perked up.

Negative Reinforcement

Since I've become a personal trainer, I have found that women don't respond well to positive reinforcement from a guy like me. If I use positive comments I get incredulous looks and comments like "will it be ok if i never have a body like yours?" No. It's not ok to be a fattie or settle for less than skinny and hawt.

So here is a list of my top motivators... I'm going to throw you all of these at once, so try not to let your head explode with the desire to go lose weight and tone up:

• You really have a classic postpartum body.

• Abs are made in the kitchen... yours look like they were made in the Ben and Jerry's kitchen.
  
  
• I would totally recommend you sign up for more than three months. We have a lot of work to do.
  
  
• We're going to get you looking so hot, you'll be at the bars again picking up guys like me.
  
  
• How can you expect to make progress if you skip the exercises you don't enjoy? It's friggin' obvious you haven't been doing your Kegel exercises.
  
  
• How old is your baby again? Oh... wow. Well, it's never too late to start training. I'm glad you called.
  
  
• Your a triathlete? Really? wow. I guess the swimming part must be easy for you.
  
  
• Now don't go getting pregnant just when we're reaching your fitness goals.
  
  
• You probably already have a washboard stomach.. you just have some laundry to take care of. Why don't you run over to my house and do mine... You need the exercise.
  
  
• Have you thought about having that extra skin removed?
  
  
• Fibromyalgia doesn't really exist... that's what old fatties use as an excuse for being an old fattie in need of a hysterectomy. Well, it's a term used to describe a psychosomatic set of symptoms. It is your body's way of telling you to harden the fuck up.
  
  
• Wow, I haven't seen anyone as fat or as lazy as you in a long time.

Sorry Ladies, I'm not accepting any new clients at the moment.

Cellulite

Show me sub 10% body fat on a woman and I'll show you a woman who doesn't have hail-damaged thighs. Such women do exist, and many of them get paid a lot of money to have pictures taken of them. Oh, and their thighs don't touch when they put their knees together either. Hint hint.

Don't worry about genetics and excess subcutaneous fat's relationship connective tissue. Excess subcutaneous fat is the root problem. Just get rid of the root problem and you won't have to worry about it's complications.

CELLULITE FAQ:
Who has it? Fatties
How to get rid of it? Cut body-fat until it goes away. There is no other solution.

There is only one way for you to cut bodyfat: Burn more calories than you consume, every day, until you reach your body-fat goals. Do the math on the right side of the equation to find out how many calories you should consume each day

TargetDailyCaloricIntake = DailyCaloriesBurned - ((TotalPoundsToLose*3500)/NumberOfDaysUntilYouAren'tFat)

So you ask, "just how many pounds do I need to lose before I start looking sexy?"
I have two-part answer for that:

1. If you know what your bodyfat percentage is and thus your lean mass, you would probably already know the answer.

Since I have time to burn right now, i'll educate the rest of you:
a.) Subtract your fat mass from your current weight to find your lean mass

CurrentWeight - (CurrentWeight*CurrentBodyFatPercentage) = LeanMass

b.) Find your goal weight by multiply your lean mass times the 10% bodyfat goal

LeanMass*(1.10) = Goal

c.) Subtract your goal from your current weight to find out how many pounds you want to lose

CurrentWeight - Goal = TotalPoundsToLose

2. Since you don't already know your bodyfat percentage, just burn 500 calories more per day than you eat until your cellulite disappears.This means you will be hungry. Get over it. Lean to love the hunger as you enjoy the pain of a hard workout.

If you ever feel full, you have eaten too much. Try not to have any meal more than 400 calories at a time. I'll make another blog post soon about timing caloric intake and energy balance.

Science has the answers, not Cosmo. Actually, having concrete numbers in your head makes this a lot less abstract and doing the math will help give you concrete goals. With exact and meaningful goals, you can benchmark your progress. People like me can provide support, but to make it happen you have to have internal motivation. The only motivating force that a stranger like me has to offer is ridicule. Fat is ugly. Don't be fat. If you have cellulite you are FAT. Realize that, and you'll find your internal motivation.