Summer Fashion Guide

Push10G's is back to help you with your summer fashion faux pas.

First, skinny is definitely in this summer. If you are trying to lose that last 35 pounds, fuck a healthy diet and just starve yourself by a thousand calories a day. If you have to binge, make sure you have your toothbrush with you so you can brush your teeth after you use the handle to purge. You can only purge about 80% of the calories you take in, so make sure you find a bathroom very promptly after eating.


I've noticed that some of you are still fat and stupid enough to wear capri pants. There just is no excuse. Yes, I know you like your calves and remember how capri pants let you show them without exposing you cottage cheese thighs, but now that you are skinny you have to let go! It's a big paradigm shift for you, but now that you are skinny, your legs are hot. It will be hard the first time, but once you realize how many guys are trying to look up your shorts it will be an instant confidence builder and you will wonder why you ever took those ridiculous looking capri pants out of the closet on Memorial Day. Besides, the triple crown races are finished, the horse jockey look is done for the year. Unless your ass still looks like the horse's, then by all means keep that shit covered up. Or better yet, don't leave your house until you lose the weight.


Next, you really need to change the way you think about clothes. Stop shopping at modest stores for fat women like Ann Taylor and start shopping where the hotties shop. Case in point, buy your next skirt at Hollister. They don't carry anything bigger than a size 4 (or at least they shouldn't) and none of their skirts are too long, so it's the perfect place to shop this summer. Make sure you wear flip flops if your skirt has ragged edges (yes, you could be my sexy college girl).

Now here is a summer fashion tip that won't cost you anything. Spend some time in the sun and pick up some sexy tanlines. Few things are as simple and as hot as showing your natural complexion in small amounts. The greatest parts of tanlines is that if I trace them with my finger, they all eventually come together at your "naughty white bits." Don't stare at the picture too closely.


When it comes to beachwear, nothing beats a bikini with wide stripes and and bows at the hips. Wow. Just like the tan lines, it's all about making a man's imagination work overtime... What if one of those knots accidentally came untied? It's such a timeless sexy look, sort like Audrey Hepburn in Two for the Road...a skinny woman with that kind of style will always be sexy (except for the jeans).




Go ahead and throw away those loose fitting earth-tone and tie-died sundresses. Go with white or bright pastel colors instead of earthtones so you won't look like you're going to an organic farmers market in Asheville. Please? If you're going to walk around looking like a damn hippie, you'd might as well stop shaving your legs and armpits too.


So you cut all your hair off when you got fat and started popping out babies...Now it's time to grow out your long blonde hair and go surfing to work on those sun streaks that look so sexy. It should hang just below your shoulder blades. The wavy look framing your face, after you let it down from having it braided while you were out surfing, is an inexpensive and unbeatable look that cannot be duplicated in a salon. Just think how much money you'll save.



I've given you the basics, so you have no excuse for not looking sexy for me this summer. By July 4th I expect you all to be looking super-sexy-thin and anorexilicious for me. And if you are lucky, I'll do you from the front this time and I won't make you put the paper bag over your face.

Anorexilicious Magazine: Nothing tastes better than thin feels.

I hear that bony hips and small tits are in fashion this year...

Thinspiration from a sleezy airport hotel and a hottie russian flight attendant who is snoring

Your bones define who you really are... let them show.

Thinspiration

"Thin is good, but even thinner is perfection"

As I was groping my girlfriend this afternoon I was paying special attention to her hip bones sticking out above her jeans. She asked me if I thought her bones were sexy... I said yes.

Cheer up fattie!

Just remember that hunger pangs are the sign of fat leaving the body.

Just the facts ma'am

Remember Ladies, no one can call you anorexic until you've missed your period for at least 3 cycles....

Here's the official finish line for anorexia:

1. Refusal to maintain body weight at or above a minimally normal weight for age and height (e.g., weight loss leading to maintenance of body weight less than 85% of that expected; or failure to make expected weight gain during period of growth, leading to body weight less than 85% of that expected).
2. Intense fear of gaining weight or becoming obese
3. Disturbance in the way in which one's body weight or shape is experienced, undue influence of body weight or shape on self-evaluation, or denial of the seriousness of the current low body weight.
4. The absence of at least three consecutive menstrual cycles (amenorrhea) in women who have had their first menstrual period but have not yet gone through menopause (postmenarcheal, premenopausal females).

Considering the time it would take for the onset of amenorrhea, that's like half a year of getting skinny before you could be accused of being anorexic. Besides, no one has ever told me why women take those damn sugar pills every month anyway.

A tale of two friends

I fly around and meet skinny girls all over the country... nearly every skinny girl i meet has two friends, Ana and Mia. They are peculiar friends...Ana seems to have a lot of forethought, while Mia seems to be hung up on past regrets. The latter is a real bad girl... Hang out with her too much and you'll really get yourself into trouble.

Do you know Ana and Mia? I might be able to arrange an introduction for you. You'll be in love with your new friends so much, you won't even notice that your old best friend, Aunt Flo, doesn't come to visit any more.

Are diamonds a girls best friend? Sure as fuck not the ones I like.

Today's thinspiration for the ladies

"Nothing tastes as good as thin feels"

Just keep reciting that in your mind as you do crunches on an empty stomach this morning...

Don't ask stupid questions...

I have not eaten in days. Do you love me yet?

Well babe, there is that little poof under your chin... Who's your friend over there? She's hot!

The soundtrack of skinny

You know what I love more than a hot skinny girl?

Lots of hot skinny girls!!! It's great, not a short-haired fattie in sight anywhere!



"I like a girl who eats and...brings it up"

How you stuff your face

Who wants to be a fattie? Ok ok, I know most of you want to eat whatever you want, and that has taken a priority over being skinny. Sucks to be you. When you get your priorities in order and realize that being a fattie is for idiots and bacon, I've got a book for you to read: Advanced Sports Nutrition by Dan Benardot. Buy the book right now.

When you get the book, read it (stay focussed, re-read paragraphs as necessary). A week later, read it again armed with 3 colors of highlighters and post-it note tabs. Two weeks later, read it a third time, focussing on the high points you noted the second time you read it. When will you find the time to read it 3 times you ask? Try skipping a few meals.

I wish he had an entire chapter on ridding the world of fatties, but since he calls this "Advanced" I suppose you should go looking for that in a "basic" sports nutrition book. Instead you get a wealth of information on dietary intake for endurance and various metabolic pathways.

Dan has two charts in this book which help visualize two simple ideas that I had never seen so clearly depicted before:

Figure 12.2: Sharp Deviations in energy balance during the course of a day can affect body composition **Imagine how your caloric intake compares against your calories burned on an intra-day basis. Instead of only looking at the net result of the day (which would be zero if you are neither gaining nor losing mass), he depicts a graph for the full day.

Figure 12.3: An individuals eating pattern has the potential to greatly affect body composition**
This graph shows three different possibilities for intra-day calorie balance. All three depict net results of zero (again, burning as much as you consume). I personally keep grazing through the day and never eat more than 400 calories at a time, so don't have any giant peaks into the danger zones. Going into the upper danger zones means you spend most of the day with too many big meals

Note I said that both graphs show net caloric balances of zero in all cases. This means the day ends at zero in every situation. Now, if you are fat, this may be too complex to understand, but if you are a skinny person trapped in a fat body, you might have enough intelligence to see where I am going with this.

Eating pattern 2 in figure 12.3 is what most of you fatties do on a daily basis (well, on the rare days that you don't gain weight... see below). You meals are too big for your bodies ability to use the calories right away. Since your body cannot really store carbs, it converts all that pasta to fat to be used later. The problem is, you never end the day on a negative caloric intake, so that level of fat is always increasing or staying the same.

Eating pattern 3 in figure 12.3 is what you do on the days you think you are going to end up on a negative caloric intake.... You stay negative all day, breaking down muscles and fat, and then eat a huge meal at night that all gets stored as fat. Thus effectively having converted muscle to fat for the day

Here is what your graph looked like yesterday:
While you might have a base metabolic rate of 1500 calories a day, burned 500 calories in your morning run, and burned 2ooo calories when you rode your bike 100 miles, you ate so many candy bars that you had a net excess of 1500 calories for the day. This means you gained half a pound of stored fat. You fat fuck. Aren't you even embarrassed?

Stick with something that looks like eating pattern #1 in Figure 12.3, but ending the day at negative 500. You'll lose a lot of fat, and only a little muscle. Cycle a few times and you'll be skinny in no time.


[**From page 215 of Advanced Sports Nutrition by Dan Benardot, PhD, RD, FACSM]

Today's thinspiration for the ladies

Thin is magic. At a small size, all your dreams will come true. You will walk into a room & suddenly be admired